A Freak, A Creep & A Psychopath
by Legendary Legacy
Summary: A challenge response to Akun50's 'Unique Power-Ups' thread on The Fanfiction Forum. Kakashi is about to have a very bad day. Team 7 centric. No longer a one-shot.
1. Kakashi has a bad day

**Hello again. This here is a short piece I wrote several months back in response to Akun50's 'Unique Power-Ups' challenge on TFF. The challenge was thus: When Kakashi shows up for the bell test he notices that all three of his new students are acting or appear much different than when he met them the day before. Once the test begins, he finds out just HOW different they've really become.**

**Rules were as followed: 1.) Team 7's power-ups had to come from a pre-existing character of a different anime, movie, video game, book, etc. No self-made powers. 2.) Kakashi could not know about their new powers before the testing began, and he had to be defeated by them. 3.) Tell everyone whose power-ups they were given when it was all said and done, in case they weren't able to figure it out for themselves. There were a few others, but those were the important one. Anything else was fair game for the trio. You could turn Naruto into a Power Ranger, Sasuke into Sailor Venus and Sakura into a character from Fist of the North Star if that's what struck your fancy, though most of the people who responded kept their power-ups into some sort of theme. My theme, for example, as you might have guessed from the title, was a group of very creepy or just downright scary video game characters. See if you can figure them out before the end, 'k?**

* * *

A Freak, A Creep & A Psychopath

A Naruto One-shot Challenge Response

By Legendary Legacy

Standard Disclaimer: Characters of Naruto belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Characters referenced from other series belong to whoever owns them. The challenge idea belongs to Akun50.

Please enjoy.

* * *

From his observational hiding place amongst the forest of trees, Hatake Kakashi let out an involuntary shudder. He didn't know if the Hokage had done this to him on purpose or not, but he'd been watching his three student hopefuls for some time now, hoping to get a slightly better idea of what they were like beyond what he'd learned about them at their initial meeting the day before, and he still couldn't understand it. Yesterday, the three kids had seemed pretty much normal, aside from the ramen fixation, the schoolgirl crush, and the obsession of vengeance, but now? Well, right now he had to admit that sitting in the clearing before him had to be one of the _creepiest_ trios of genin he'd ever seen.

First there was Naruto, who yesterday had been an overbearing loudmouth wearing a headache-inducing orange sweat suit. Today however, he was wearing a brown hooded cloak and brown slippers, and opposed to all the hyperactivity that Kakashi was expecting, he was simply sitting against a tree, completely motionless as he stared through empty, glassy eyes into the small lit lantern that was held up to his face.

Kakashi had been watching the boy's face for almost ten minutes and could swear that the boy hadn't blinked once. He had no earthly idea what had come over the boy or what the deal was with the lantern, but it was really starting to worry him.

Next to Naruto was Sasuke, who had also undergone a dramatic change of appearance, though not quite as strangely as Naruto's. Instead of the blue tee-shirt over khaki shorts that he'd worn the day before, he was now wearing a tight black jacket over a long-sleeved white button-down shirt, and a pair of blood-red pants, which for reasons that Kakashi was unable to comprehend, had a long belt tied between the legs halfway between the boy's knees and ankles. Not only was it a bad fashion statement, but it would surely impede the boy's movements.

The brooding boy was crouched down between his two teammates, and though his hair covered his eyes from Kakashi's vantage point, he didn't appear to really be looking at anything. He was also muttering to himself; the jounin couldn't make out what he was saying, but judging by the twisted smirk that appeared on his face every couple of seconds, it probably wasn't anything nice.

Finally, and though Kakashi couldn't figure out why, there was the most disturbing member of the team, the girl, Sakura. She was the one he was most wary of, simply because he couldn't find a reason for her to feel as threatening as she currently did. She was dressed in a bright red dress with a matching ribbon and hood, with a frilly white apron tied on over top of it. In her hands she cradled a covered wicker basket, something that a normal person would bring to a picnic.

All that combined with the cheerful tune she was humming and the carefree grin on her face made it seem like she was on a nice family outing instead of attempting to become a shinobi.

Kakashi sat back slowly, trying to make sense of the whole thing. Were they playing some sort of prank on him? He knew for a fact that Naruto loved playing pranks, but could he have possibly talked the other two into helping him with it? Was this some way of getting back at him for making them wait around for so long? Whatever it was, it certainly couldn't be for real. Kids didn't just wildly change their entire appearance and personalities overnight like this. He frowned: Well, if it was a prank, their day was about to get even more hellish than he'd originally intended for them. Pranks like this had no place in the shinobi world; he'd just have to show them that the hard way.

Deciding that they'd waited long enough, he made his appearance, and was all but completely ignored as his new students continued staring, muttering and humming respectively. He quickly filled them in of the details to the test (and barely repressed the urge to shiver at the glint in the eyes of Sakura and the widening of Sasuke's smirk when he mentioned that they should come at him with the intent to kill. They were really going all out with this prank of theirs), and then gave the signal to begin. Sakura was the first to react, as she began skipping merrily into the woods. Sasuke quietly followed suit, walking hunched over at an almost leisurely pace in another direction. Kakashi shook his head, it looked like there was going to be no passing again this year from him. Sighing, he turned back to Naruto in time to see the boy stumble to his feet. The boy then pulled out what appeared to be a very small kitchen knife, and without a word began walking veeeeery veeerry sloooooowly toward him.

And quite frankly, the simple actions scared the piss out of the man. It was insane: In his time as a ninja he'd faced brutal cutthroats, assassins, and some of the most vicious and powerful people imaginable, and none of them even came close to freaking him out as much as this little emotionless, slow-walking, lantern-and-knife-carrying boy coming toward him did. The worst part of it all was that he couldn't even rationalize his fear: At the pace the boy was going there was no way he'd be able to catch Kakashi, but the jounin just had this icy fear in the pit of his stomach that if he did somehow get caught, something very bad would happen.

With that in mind, he decided he'd go test out his other students first, and worry about Naruto later. He quickly sprinted away with only a single backward glance to make sure the boy hadn't suddenly picked up his own pace to chase after him.

"Let's start with Sakura," he resolved.

* * *

***BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM***

"SASUKE! I MEANT START WITH SASUKE!"

***RA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TAT***

"KA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! RUN SENSEI, RUN!"

Oh and he did. From one end of the village to the other and back again he ran. He ran like a twelve year old girl, who had another twelve year old girl chasing and assaulting him with grenades and an AK-47. He ran like a cat from a starving Akimichi. He ran so fast that some weird coyote flung itself over the edge of the Hokage monument trying to catch him on a poorly built ACME rocket car. And still the psychotic girl chased after him.

Where in the HELL had that girl come across so much heavy artillery? And HOW in the hell did she manage to fit it all into that tiny basket?

"FIRE IN THE HOLE! TEE-HEE!"

***BOOOM***

And WHY THE HELL wasn't she running out of ammo?

* * *

Panting like a dog, Kakashi finally came to a stop within the thick foliage of the forest. It had taken almost fifteen minutes of constant running, (part of which consisted of explaining to Gai that no, this was not a challenge to him for a race, yes, that was Haruno Sakura cackling maniacally behind him, and yes, that really was a flamethrower she was blasting them with,) before he had finally managed to lose the girl.

Now exhausted, clothes in tatters and scared to High Heaven, Kakashi realized just how badly he needed a vacation. This whole thing was getting a bit extreme for a simple prank. That girl, if he were to so politely refer to her as, was freakin' psychotic!

"The Legendary Guy, huh? Feh!"

Looking around, Kakashi spotted Sasuke casually entering the clearing to the left of him. Kakashi kicked himself; in his terror-filled sprint around Konoha, he'd completely forgotten that he was still supposed to be in the middle of testing the kids. He straightened up, trying to get back into the swing of things. Sasuke shouldn't be too bad to deal with. At least he didn't seem to be carrying any weapons of massive destruction anywhere on his person.

Now if only he wasn't staring at him like a shark that smelled blood, though considering the amount that he was currently bleeding, the analogy fit pretty well.

Sasuke's smirk widened even further. "Don't think for one second that you can escape this. Orochi's curse is already upon you!"

Kakashi's eyes widened. Orochi? Surely he couldn't mean Orochimaru of the Sannin? What could he have possibly done to Sasuke? When would they have even met? That didn't make sense.

"What are you talking about, Sasuke?" he demanded.

The Uchiha didn't answer as his body began trembling. A deep, unnerving chuckle escaped his throat as purple flames enveloped his fists. He straightened up and fixed Kakashi with a psychotic glower. "You will BURN! Burn until your blood **BOILS!**"

To Kakashi's credit, even in his weakened state he managed to dodge every single purple fireball that Sasuke flung his way, though he was mind-boggled as to how the boy was doing it without forming seals. He knew Uchiha were fire specialists and that Sasuke was considered a prodigy and all, but even he couldn't be this good at such a young age. A few more seconds of careful dodging and he would have successfully been able to disable the Uchiha, until he heard the distant 'La-La-La'ing' of THAT GIRL coming closer and closer to them. Unfortunately, it caused him to tense up for just a moment, and that was all the time it took.

"Fun time's over!" Sasuke announced as he appeared directly behind the jounin instructor, and then proceeded to absolutely maul him in a flurry of kicks, punches, claws and even teeth. Kakashi lost track of how many hits he'd taken, so surprised that he couldn't even defend himself.

**"Scream!"** Sasuke howled. **"Cry! Weep! And then-"** He grabbed Kakashi around the throat with both hands, engulfing his entire body in flames. **"DIE!"**

Kakashi screamed bloody murder, as one is wont to do when they're being burned alive. Blowing right past the cackling boy, he made a mad dash to the clearing where they had all started and jumped headlong into the nearby lake, effectively putting out the flames and offering a slightly soothing relief to his very damaged body.

As he weakly dragged himself onto the shore, he knew only one thing for certain. He was going to have words with Sarutobi about this; that was certain. These kids…no, these _monsters_ absolutely could not be passed. Oh sure, they were qualified enough if they could do this kind of damage to him, but if he passed them today, that would mean he would have to be responsible for them. Follow them on missions. _Be within five miles of them_! And that was something he just could not do, not no way, not no-

…Wait. Wasn't he forgetting something?

Looking up, he saw with great horror that Naruto was standing directly over him, lantern and knife firmly in hand. For a good ten seconds, the two did little more than stare at one another, and then-

"Doink!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

The End

* * *

**So, did you figure them all out? Well, in case you didn't...**

**Naruto: A Tonberry (Final Fantasy) In FF games, there's nothing quite as nerve-wracking as running into a 'Creeping Death', as I affectionately call them, except maybe a Malboro, but the tonberry was funnier to me. Can't you just imagine Naruto going around Doinking people left and right? **

**Sasuke: Iori 'Riot of the Blood' Yagami (King of Fighters) This actually made a lot of sense to me. There's the comparison between the Curse Seal and the Riot of the Blood (both make you stronger but hurt you at the same time, or used to in Sasuke's case), the whole Orochi/Orochimaru thing, they both use fire techniques, and honestly, if Sasuke had turned out more like Iori, more people would probably like him better than what he is now.**

**Sakura: Bulleta B. Hood (Darkstalkers) If you've ever played a game with her in it, I don't need to tell you just how evil and utterly batshit insane Bulleta is. And the thought of Sakura acting the way Bulleta does certainly creeps me out.**

**So there you go, my take on the matter. If you want to read responses from other people, they're all over on the challenge thread at Hawk's 'The Fanfiction Forum'. I'd post a link to it for you, but ffnet doesn't like outside link's. You can however find it in Hawk's profile page here on ffnet, if you're interested.**

**All for now. Til next time. Have a nice day.**

**LL**


	2. Demon Bros have a bad day

**Continue? Sure, why not. Not like I don't have other, bigger projects that I should be working on instead. Enjoy; don't forget to not take this seriously.**

xxx

xxx

Tazuna was worried.

It wasn't just the fact that his home was being held under the tyrannical foot of Gato, or that a failure to complete the bridge from the Wave Country to the mainland would spell certain doom for his family and everyone else, or even that there was a high possibility that he could be assassinated at any given moment for foolishly seeking outside aid from Konohagakure.

No, what really worried Tazuna was the company he was currently keeping. That company being the aforementioned aid he'd gotten from Konoha.

He hadn't been expecting much; due to his lack of funds he'd had to lie about the severity of his situation because there was no way he'd be able to afford a team to defend him from deadly assassins. Hiring a team to escort him home, however, was surprisingly cheap, though he'd been told that the team he'd be getting would be inexperienced.

Unfortunately, the Hokage failed to mention that the team would also be composed of freaks and weirdos.

The old man looked ahead, where the red-wearing girl with the picnic basket (and he still hadn't gotten a straight answer concerning _that, _just a massive convulsing shudder from Kakashi) was skipping about merrily, humming a cheerful tune and conversing with the little woodland critters that approached her on the road. Tazuna couldn't explain why, but he was almost expecting for the girl to rip the head off of the next chipmunk that came along.

He looked behind him, where the blonde boy in the druid robe was straggling several yards behind, dragging his feet with a lit lantern held out in front of him (hadn't gotten an explanation for that, either). He was rather torn: If the boy would pick up the pace a bit, they could have reached the docks an hour ago. But nobody else was complaining about their slow progress and, to be perfectly honest, the boy really creeped him out with his complete lack of expression and refusal to speak even when spoken to, so the more distance between them, the better.

He looked to his right, where the other boy was greedily gnawing on the remains of a chipmunk that he'd flash-fried with his hands after the girl had shooed it away. He didn't think he really needed an explanation for this one, especially after hearing Kakashi mutter the words 'poor Tora' under his breath.

And finally to his left, where Kakashi himself walked beside him. Aside from having three-quarters of his face covered, he at least acted normal. Well, he did give off the vibe that he hadn't slept a peaceful night's sleep in a couple weeks, and he seemed a little twitchy. But hey, shinobi life was probably pretty hectic, so maybe that wasn't so unusual.

Needless to say, Tazuna wasn't feeling quite as safe as he would have liked, but held out hope that if anyone did come after him, they too would be frightened off by this disturbing group of ninja.

Hey, hope was one of the few things the poor guy had left these days.

xxx

The Demon Brothers, Gozu and Mezu, laid patiently in wait from the cover of their unassuming little puddle. Or rather, it would be unassuming if it had rained any in the last three days. Fortunately, Tazuna was a well-known drunk and the ninja with him didn't look all that intelligent or threatening. This would be an easy kill; Zabuza wouldn't even have to get involved.

They watched through the surface as the little girl approached, skipping past only to double back and stare at the puddle in confusion.

"A puddle? How strange," she muttered to herself. She reached out and poked the water with her finger, causing a small ripple. "I wonder how deep it is. Maybe I can go fishing?"

Gozu shot his brother a look that, even with his mask on, easily translated to 'How stupid can she be?' Mezu just shrugged, not really caring how addle-minded the girl was. They just had to wait a few more seconds for Tazuna to move closer and they could strike. She would just be the first one to-

Something heavy fell into the pool, causing both brothers to push away as far as possible, which was only about a foot from the object; any further would damage the structure of the jutsu.

The brothers stared at the object in wonder. It was oddly cylindrical and metallic, like a really small oil drum. But where had it come from? The girl hadn't been carrying it, and it would have been too big to fit in that basket of hers... More importantly, what exactly was-

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

Their contemplation, and their lives, was abruptly ended as the miniature depth charge detonated.

xxx

Being a sensei to the 'Devil Trio' as he so lovingly referred to them (though not out loud, of course), and especially to Haruno Sakura in particular, Kakashi's paranoia levels had skyrocketed. If he hadn't been born with gray hair, he'd be sporting lots of them by now. He felt as though he were walking across a field of caltrops all the time, not wanting to draw the ire of his students. One near-death experience at the hands of three fresh-faced genin was plenty, thank you.

He didn't think he would ever be able to forgive Sarutobi for not letting him send them back to the academy. Some nonsensical bullshit about 'Well, if they were good enough to beat you, then they must be more than ready'. The old bastard wouldn't even let him transfer the demons to a different jounin. It's like he was being punished for something.

So, for now at least, he was stuck with them. And so, like any good ninja, Kakashi took the time to study his students, in order to decipher different actions they displayed that would warn him when it was time to get the Hell out of dodge. For the most part it was fairly simple to pick up on:

If Naruto pulled out his knife and started approaching you, get the Hell out of dodge.

If Sasuke started laughing and nothing funny was going on, get the Hell out of dodge.

And if Sakura started reaching into her basket, or failed at getting Sasuke to flirt with her, or thought you were looking at her funny, or was bored, you get the Holy Hell out of dodge.

Thanks to this knowledge, Kakashi had already tucked Tazuna under one arm and Sasuke under the other and hightailed it back in Naruto's direction before Sakura even gave her warning cry. The shockwave coursing through the ground still made him stumble.

"What the blazing blue Hell was that!" Tazuna demanded once the tremors stopped.

"I will filet the charred remains of flesh from your bones with my bare hands if you don't get off me," Sasuke growled from beneath him, his hands already glowing with eerie blue flame. Tazuna was up and moving so fast he accidentally knocked Naruto over, who perceived it as an attack and reached into his robe for his stabbin' knife.

In an attempt to protect his mission objective and get away from his students, Kakashi again grabbed Tazuna and Shunshin'ed out of their reach.

"Could you stop doing that?" Tazuna requested. "You're makin' me nauseous."

"Would you rather I leave you with them?" Kakashi countered before (very) reluctantly walking off to see what Sakura was up to.

When he reached her, he saw that she was crouched down and staring into the crater she had just made. She also looked perfectly fine, despite being at ground zero of her own explosion. He couldn't bring himself to question that, already certain that the answer would give him a headache.

Taking a tentative look over her shoulder, he spied a large pool of blood, with bits and pieces of what used to be some form of living creature floating in it.

"Sakura-chan...what exactly did you do?" he asked as casually as he could.

"Just went fishing, sensei," Sakura innocently responded, though the wide, toothy smile and maniacal glint in her eyes suggested a far more devious motive to her madness. Or maybe that was just one of her normal expressions.

Kakashi decided not to bother pressing the issue. Maybe if he convinced himself that whatever Sakura had blown to kingdom come had really been some kind of threat to their mission, it would help hold on to his own sanity while dealing with his student's homicidal antics.

He slowly reached out and patted the madwoman on the head. "Good girl."

"Tee-hee-hee," Sakura giggled happily. Kakashi chuckled back weakly, mentally cursing Sarutobi to a fate worse than death for what must have been the thousandth time in less than a month. He then went to make sure neither of his other students had managed to kill Tazuna in his absence.

xxx

xxx

**Next Time: More people are also about to have a bad day. Hopefully none of you are.**

**LL**


	3. Zabuza and Haku also have bad days

The boat ride to Wave had been...unpleasant, to say the least. Sakura had decided to keep fishing for actual fish, though Kakashi had managed to limit her tools to hand grenades. Naruto hadn't quite forgiven Tazuna for knocking him down, which led to a lot of awkward positioning as Kakashi constantly attempted to keep the old man out of stabbing range. Fortunately, Sasuke spent the whole trip grinning menacingly at the boat rower, occasionally flicking small licks of blue fire from his fingers at him, which made the man row faster than he'd ever rowed before, getting the group to their destination in about half the time it would have normally taken. He then left the group in the dust as he raced back to his home to break into his liquor supply.

xxx

"You really hate animals, don't you boy?" Tazuna asked Sasuke, who had just flambéed another one of God's innocent creatures, this time a white rabbit that had dared hop out of the brush by the side of the road. Poor thing never saw what hit it.

"My brother always loved small, furry animals," the deranged Uchiha informed him.

"...So, you kill 'em just because your brother likes 'em? What kind'a reasoning is that?" he wondered, not sure if he was comprehending properly.

Sasuke fixed him with an especially sadistic grin. "My brother also had a lot of respect for the elderly."

Tazuna took the hint to shut up, and resumed counting the steps remaining until they would reach the village.

Then, at five hundred and thirty-six steps and counting, the group was unexplainably engulfed in a heavy fog. The group looked around, barely able to see more than a few yards in any direction, even with the help of Naruto's lantern.

"Get down!" Kakashi suddenly shouted, pulling Naruto and Tazuna with him as he did so himself. No sooner had the other two devil children dropped to the ground did a giant blade come spinning over them, missing their heads by inches.

Kakashi groaned. As if life wasn't stressful enough, now he was being ambushed by someone who was obviously quite dangerous on what was supposed to have been a simple escort mission. Early retirement was looking sweet right about now.

Getting back to their feet, the group looked through the mist where the blade had gone.

"Sharingan Kakashi," a deep voice drifted out of the fog. They followed the voice upward, where a human silhouette could be seen standing on top of the hilt of the thrown blade, which in turn was lodged into the trunk of a tree several meters up.

"Who's that jack-off?" Sasuke growled in annoyance.

"A mercenary," Tazuna admitted weakly. "Hired by someone who's trying to kill me. They call him the Demon of the Mist."

Kakashi's visible eye twitched. Demon of the Mist: Momochi Zabuza. Well, this would certainly prove to be...annoying. "You know, I seem to have overlooked the part in your briefings that included A-Rank missing nin."

Tazuna hung his head. "I promise I'll explain if we make it out of this."

"Considering the mood I'm in, I might just make you explain it to _them_, instead."

The old man wondered if dying by Zabuza's blade right now wouldn't be the more preferable option.

Zabuza, meanwhile, hadn't moved from his perch. "I was wondering who the old fool would find to protect him. Seeing that it's the legendary Copycat Nin has me rather intrigued. I've been wanting to test your abilities for-"

Danger senses flared and the swordsman barely leapt clear before the tree he'd been on exploded in a flash of fire and shrapnel.

Sakura lowered her grenade launcher, pouting in disappointment. "Phooey, I think I missed."

"That was a nice try, Sakura-chan," Kakashi told her, also a bit disappointed that the fight hadn't ended right there before things got out of hand.

"What the Hell!" Zabuza demanded upon hitting the ground. "Who throws around explosives at people when they're right in the middle of a monologue? What are academies teaching you kids these days?"

"This is supposed to be some big, tough guy?" Sasuke sneered. "Pathetic. I'll kill him myself."

"Aw, but Sasuke-kuuu~n," Sakura moaned.

Sasuke glared at her. "I. Will kill him. Myself. Bitch."

The pink-haired psycho went back to pouting. "Well, I guess since you're being so nice about it."

Kakashi decided he needed to step in. "Nothing personal, Sasuke, but I think I'd better be the one to deal with this guy. He's a lot more dangerous than anyone else you've fought in the past."

"Including you?" the Uchiha asked, smirking condescendingly.

"Uh, guys?" Tazuna said.

"...Keep in mind that I wasn't fighting back at the time-"

"Still would've kicked your ass," he insisted, with Sakura nodded emphatically beside him.

"Guys!"

That migraine was coming back in full force. "It doesn't matter. What does matter is, whether I like it or not, I'm your sensei, which also means that it's my job to ensure you all stay out of harms way-"

"LOOK OUT, YOU IDIOTS!"

The group broke from their debate just in time to be slammed by a large wall of water, which carried them away from the little clearing until they smashed together against a tree. They then collapsed in a heap once the wave passed.

"You suck at your job," Sasuke informed Kakashi,who had him sandwiched between Sakura. Sakura just giggled, delighted at being face-down on the ground with a dripping wet Sasuke laying on top of her. Just like in her fantasy, only dripping with water and not blood.

Kakashi remained silent, wishing his head would either stop throbbing or just hemorrhage and get it over with. These kids would kill him whether they intended it or not.

xxx

"Well, that was kind of disappointing," Zabuza muttered, not really expecting Sharingan Kakashi to go down so quickly. Ah well, not everyone could live up to their own legend. Now to kill the old man and go get paid.

Looking around, he found the old man cowering pitiably behind the remaining child. He'd missed him with his Tidal Wave Jutsu, mainly because he hadn't even noticed the boy standing further away from the others. Not that it was so difficult to miss him, all he was doing was standing there, staring at his little lantern and apparently ignoring everything else around him.

xxx

Naruto stared deep into the flame.

And the flame spoke to him. It spoke to him in hundreds of different voices all at once; all of them crying out for vengeance. Vengeance against the man standing before him now. Yes, the man truly was a Demon, one who had slaughtered young and old, guilty and innocent alike. His personal motives for his actions mattered not to Uzumaki Naruto.

All that did matter was that the cries of so many could not go unanswered. Especially not after this Demon had dared try taking the lives of his friends on top of everyone else.

His personal grudge against the old man could wait. Right now the needs of many outweighed the needs of his own. They were dependent on him to see retribution dealt against their killer, and he would see to it that all grudges were paid in full.

Doink-tebbayo.

xxx

"I hate to pressure you kid," Tazuna whispered from behind the glassy-eyed boy, praying that he wasn't about to turn around and try to stab him again. "But the evil-looking assassin with the big-ass sword is looking this way and we probably only have a couple seconds of life left unless you do something."

The boy ignored him, still completely transfixed by the light of his lantern. Tazuna's last hope flickered out. All he could hope for now was that decapitation wasn't as painful as it looked.

"Well kid, looks like it's just you left between me and the old man," Zabuza pointed out as he walked toward them slowly, hefting his sword onto his shoulders. "Always do hate to snuff out such young flames, especially when they aren't my targets, so I'll tell you what: you leave the old man with me, go off and find what's left of your team and head on home, and you won't have to die today. What do you say?"

Naruto finally looked up from his lamp, and stared into the eyes of the Demon of Mist.

Zabuza stared back into the empty, expressionless face of the little genin.

Naruto stared up at Zabuza.

Zabuza stared down at Naruto.

Tazuna covered his eyes, not wanting to see the impending slaughter.

Zabuza blinked.

Naruto did not.

"My God, you're creepy," Zabuza finally admitted. He lifted his sword, ready to cleave the boy in two with a single stroke. "Oh well, goodbye."

But as he raised his sword, Naruto also raised his lantern, and it flared brightly. And Zabuza screamed in equal parts shock and agony as he was suddenly beset upon by dozens of strange purple wraiths.

Ten seconds later, Zabuza lay in a twitching heap, foaming through the bandages that covered his mouth.

Tazuna stared, dumbstruck at the sight, then turned to Naruto, who was looking like he hadn't done anything at all, much less just taken down a deadly assassin while literally not batting an eye in the process.

"You...you got him," he gasped, still not believing his own eyes. "You really got him. Oh my God, thank you boy! I don't care how creepy you are or that you've spent the last several hours trying to shank me; you just saved my life and kept my village's future alive in the process. I can never thank you enough-"

Naruto jerked violently as his body was impaled by no less than fifty senbon.

Tazuna promptly choked on his tongue.

xxx

Haku was an extraordinary shinobi. Gifted with a bloodline that augmented his own natural abilities; amazing speed, stealth, precision, a fierce loyalty to his master, and the ability to remain calm under even the most extreme circumstances, allowing him to carry out any mission given to him without pause or fail.

In hindsight, he could admit to himself that maybe unloading his entire arsenal of senbon onto a single person when he could have achieved the exact same results using two of them might have been a little over-excessive, but hey, everyone lost their composure once in a while.

Now, he Shunshin'ed from the tree he'd been hiding in and appeared next to Zabuza, immediately kneeling down to examine his convulsing master. He was breathing, though still a bit harshly, and there were no visible wounds, which was going to make treating him incredibly difficult if it was as serious as it appeared. He would have to get him back to base quickly.

As he stooped to lift him, a thought occurred: the old man was still alive. He wasn't certain what Zabuza would want him to do, but he did know that there was no one left to defend him, and if Haku finished him off himself, then they wouldn't have to report a failure to their employer. It would only take a second, a single senbon to the throat would...

Oh right, he's used all his senbon on the blonde boy. Fine, retrieve a senbon, kill the old man, get Zabuza to safety. No problem.

He turned to where the boy had been, and nearly fell over backward when he found himself face-to-face with him. He still looked like a giant brown pin-cushion, and blood was visibly seeping out of dozens of puncture wounds, but somehow he had still managed to sneak up on Haku without any trouble or notice.

But that was impossible! He'd hit every vital area on the boy's body, plus dozens of non-vital but still horrendously painful and debilitating areas on top of it! The boy should be stone-cold dead, not walking around like nothing-

"Doink."

And with a choked yelp of pain, Haku joined his master in a twitching heap on the ground.

xxx

A few moments later, Kakashi rushed back into the clearing, followed closely by Sasuke and Sakura. What they found was Zabuza and an unknown person with a mask lying motionless on the ground. Over by the small lake, Tazuna and Naruto sat, the former keeping plenty of space between himself and the boy, and he appeared to be rocking back and forth ever so slightly.

Sasuke stalked over to Naruto and smacked him on the head. "Hey, idiot! I said I was going to kill him!"

Naruto looked up and reached into his robe.

"Don't you point your little pocket knife at me!" Sasuke warned him. "I'll fry your dumb ass so fast-"

"Actually, they're still alive, Sasuke-kun," Sakura informed him as she and Kakashi examined the two bodies.

"And we're going to keep them that way," Kakashi stated firmly before Sasuke got any ideas. "We may need them for interrogation later."

Sasuke and Sakura's eyes lit up at the 'I' word. "Do we get to be the interrogators, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked like a child would ask to open just one present the night before Christmas.

To his credit, Kakashi barely flinched at the twin looks of manic glee he was receiving from his two charges. "...Yes. Yes, you do."

"Shannaro!" Sakura cheered while Sasuke settled for chuckling wickedly, then stopped.

"And then kill them after?" he asked.

"...We'll see what happens."

Sasuke chuckled more wickedly. Kakashi made a mental note to visit Ibiki when they got home. If anyone would be willing to take these demons off his hands...

But, for now at least, he should probably start removing those senbon from his third student's body, since the boy seemed to be in no hurry to do it himself.

xxx

xxx

**If you haven't guessed by now, this story isn't going to be much more than Team 7 curbstomping pretty much everyone they go up against, while stressing Kakashi out more and more along the way.**

**Also, I was seriously considering turning Haku into a Cactaur in this, but figured I'd have to start changing other people around as well, and that would detract from the main point of the story. But hey, that's what omakes and side-stories are for.**

**More to come when I write it.**

**LL**


	4. Even more people have bad days

**Well, seeing as the world decided not to end this weekend after all, I suppose I can go ahead and post the next chapter. And hopefully more 'Hiraishin...' chapters will be out before the next predicted Doomsday. Hopefully.**

xxx

"...And that's pretty much how things are."

Kakashi nodded absently as Tazuna finished his tale, though most of his focus was set on removing the final few needles from Naruto's body. Fortunately, the boy was content to let him work, sitting quietly as he gazed out at the surface of the lake. The jounin still wasn't sure how the boy had survived so many seemingly-fatal wounds, though if he were to take a guess, he'd say the Kyubi was playing a role in it, since every time he pulled a senbon out, the hole would glow a crimson red before closing up almost instantly.

And wasn't that just perfect? The stoic, ever-relentless little stab-addict also had a healing factor. If the boy ever got to the point where he was moving at faster than below-average walking speed again Kakashi was packing up and moving to Kumo.

"I'll uh...I'll understand if you don't want anymore to do with me and decide to just head back home now," Tazuna went on. "Practically a stone's throw away from the village already, and seeing as you already took down Gato's mercs, maybe he'll be a little less eager to mess with us again..."

Kakashi considered his options. They'd been lied too, shortchanged, and led into a situation that...well, that most _normal_ genin would find completely out of their leagues. With the village already in sight, they had all but achieved their goal of escorting Tazuna back to his home, not that they needed to complete it now anyway, and Tazuna himself had dismissed them from their mission.

There was really no need to continue onward.

"Tell me...about how many men does this Gato tyrant have working for him?"

Tazuna looked thrown by the unexpected question. "Er...gotta be at least two hundred of 'em, I suppose."

"Okay, we'll help you."

Tazuna blinked. "W-what?"

"Yep," the jounin said with a nod. "No additional charge."

"...But...why?"

"Let's just say I have my reasons," Kakashi answered vaguely.

"You're not just hoping to let those... kids of yours sate their insane bloodlust on Gato and all his men in the hope that they'll settle down and stop threatening physical violence on you and other innocent people for a while?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. And now we will casually change the subject and not bring this up again."

"Right, sure," Tazuna nodded. He certainly wasn't going to hold the younger man's cowardice against him. Hell, he'd secretly been hoping that Kakashi would have taken him up on the offer to bail out and go back home just so he wouldn't have to deal with the demon children any longer, either.

"Well, on a slightly different note, did you really send those kids off to interrogate those mercenaries?"

Kakashi nodded. "They seemed so enthusiastic, I just didn't have it in me to break their little hearts."

"Of course. But what's the point? I mean, they're just hired swords after all. They probably couldn't tell you much more about the situation than I could."

Kakashi gave him a hard stare. "So?"

"...Gee, I never thought of it that way."

"Right?"

"Right."

The trio sat in relative silence for a while, listening to the sounds of birds chirping, fish splashing, insects buzzing, and not a whole lot else.

"The fact that there's no screaming actually fills my mind with even worse images of what might be happening than if there was any," Tazuna admitted.

Kakashi heaved a deep sigh and climbed to his feet. He supposed he'd have to go check on his little monsters and see if they'd left anything behind.

A quick Shunshin brought him to the Interrogation Room, which was just a much smaller clearing about twenty yards away from the larger one they'd just been in. He found Zabuza and the young masked ninja tied securely to adjacent trees. Zabuza looked like he'd been crying and Haku's neck seemed to have developed a twitch, as his head frequently jerked to the right. They didn't look nearly as beaten and broken as Kakashi had expected, which only worsened the mental images of what his demons might have been doing to them.

The demons in question looked rather pleased with themselves as they turned to address their teacher.

"It's no use, Sensei," Sakura informed him, not sounding at all disappointed about it. "We've tried everything and they're still not talking."

"Looks like we'll just have to kill 'em," Sasuke concurred, running his sharpened fingernails lightly across his own cheek and letting them catch the glint of the sunlight.

Zabuza and Haku instantly began shaking their heads and mumbling profusely, though it was impossible to make out what they were saying.

Slowly, Kakashi walked past his students, reached out toward their captives, and lowered Zabuza's facial bandages with one hand and lifted Haku's mask with the other. Over both of their mouths was a thick strip of tape.

Kakashi looked back over his shoulder, where Sakura was doing an unconvincing job of looking innocent. Sasuke wasn't even trying.

"I suppose you're going to suggest that we put that tape on their mouths to keep them from talking as an excuse to continue torturing them until they died a horribly long and drawn out death?"

Kakashi continued staring.

"You can't prove it," Sasuke stated.

Kakashi decided it was time to start ignoring his students, and ripped the tape from their captive's mouths.

"You...are a cruel and twisted man, Hatake Kakashi," Zabuza growled weakly as Haku twitched in agreement. "The lowest plane of Hell would spit you back out for allowing these demons to do half the things that they did. Have you no shame? No sense of decency? How do you sleep at night?"

"I'm not going to let them interrogate you anymore," Kakashi informed him.

"A saint among squalor is what you are. Far to good for this mortal coil full of sin and debauchery. Temples will be built in your honor, where millions will tell tales of your mercy and grace."

"Yes, yes, I know. Now tell me everything you know or I'll go get the other one."

Once the two former Mist nin finished singing like canaries, Kakashi cut their ropes, and they fled the scene at a speed that would have made Namikaze Minato envious.

"Aww," Sakura whined as their playthings vanished from sight. Now what were she and Sasuke-kun going to bond over?

Sasuke glared at Kakashi. "I am _going_ to kill someone before this day is over, and with the way you keep pissing me off-"

"Sasuke, if you and Sakura could please reign in your genocidal tendencies for just a little while," Kakashi cut off, not in the mood for more threats to his person. "We're almost to the Village of Waves and I promise there are going to be plenty of people for you to kill or whatever else you feel up to doing to them very soon."

The children grinned in anticipation.

xxx

Later...

"Sasuke."

"Hn?"

"When I said there were people in the village for you to kill, I didn't mean **the civilians**!"

Sasuke blew the hair from his eyes, though it fell right back into place. "I guess you should have been more specific, then."

"Eh, don't worry about it," Tazuna told them, hoping to placate things before more people died. "Never really liked those three anyway. Lazy slackers, they were. And I always suspected that Shin might have been a wife-beater."

Sasuke gave Kakashi his most smug of smirks. "See sensei, I'm _helping_."

Kakashi turned to Tazuna. "Please don't encourage my sociopaths."

"Hey, survival trumps morality in my life, pal," the old man replied.

xxx

Elsewhere...

"What?" Gato roared, leaping from his chair and grabbing the messenger by the lapels. "What do you mean you saw Zabuza running like the hounds of Hell were after him in the opposite direction of the base?"

The messenger in question cleared his throat. "Uh...you did a pretty good job of summing it up right there, boss."

The tyrant shoved the messenger away and began to pace. "Well did he at least kill the bridge-builder before he abandoned us?"

"Our intel says 'no', boss. Tazuna was seen approaching the village not long after with a masked man and three children accompanying him. Three people were killed before they arrived at his house, and we assume that they're planning to launch an attack on our headquarters."

Gato growled. "So the bastard just decides to ditch me, does he? Well, that's fine; I don't need his help anyway. I have plenty more men who are perfectly capable of carrying out a simple assassination on one feeble old drunk." He paused for a moment. "What was that thing you said in the middle there?"

"That they arrived at Tazuna's house, boss?"

"...Ah, never mind then. Thought you said something else."

"Shall I send for someone, boss?"

Gato pushed up on the bridge of his glasses, a wicked smirk forming as he did. "All of them."

The messenger faltered. "Say what, boss?"

"Send for all of them," he elaborated. "It's about time we put an end to this foolish little rebellion once and for all."

Oh, he could hardly wait. Just imagine the look on old Tazuna's face when he showed up with his entire mafia in tow. That was sure to crush any lingering hope for a better tomorrow that he and the rest of the villagers might still be entertaining. And then, as nice big cherry on top, he'd have his men blow up that damnable bridge.

Hah! The resulting misery was going to be simply priceless!

xxx

From the edge of the staircase, Inari glared down at the shinobi that his grandpa had brought home.

The oldest one was off in a corner, his nose buried in an orange-covered book and ignoring everything else around him.

The boy with the belt connecting his pant legs together was pacing around the room like a caged animal, his mouth occasionally moving, though Inari couldn't make out what he was saying.

The other boy was sitting passively at the table, where his mom had directed him after he'd tried to help her with dinner. The boy had seen her chopping vegetables and, pulling out a small butcher knife of his own, had attempted to do the same. Except that the first little chop he made had cut through not only the vegetable in front of him, but the cutting board and the countertop itself. Tsunami had politely shooed him away after that.

The girl was sprawled on the floor, lying on her stomach with her chin propped up on her hands, kicking her feet up behind her as she tried to teach a little squirrel she'd befriended outside how to dance. Bizarre, but not half as bizarre as seeing the little critter actually listening to the girl, and performing a very competent pirouette, in his completely unprofessional opinion.

He still couldn't understand what his grandpa had been thinking. What were a bunch of kids going to do against someone like Gato? It made him angry to see just how desperate the old man had become. Why couldn't he just accept the fact that there was nothing they could do? He was just making a fool of himself and everyone knew it.

And worst of all, those idiot ninja, who weren't even that much older than him, actually sounded excited about fighting Gato. Well, two seemed excited, the other just kind of sat there...

"God, this is boring!" Sasuke announced loudly, startling Sakura's squirrel and causing it to run away. Sakura pouted; now she was bored, too.

"This village sucks!" Sasuke continued. "Let's go kill that tyrant and go home already."

Inari couldn't stand it anymore. "You guys are idiots!"

Tazuna's body went rigid in horror.

Kakashi's eye peeked up over the top of his book.

"Gato is way stronger than you are! Ignorant people like you wouldn't stand a chance against him!"

Tsunami shook her head, having heard the same thing from her son before, and continued cooking, completely ignorant to the danger her son was placing himself in.

"Why don't you just get out of here? You'll just get yourselves killed if you stick around!"

Slowly, the heads of the three demon children turned to face him, and Inari fought the sudden urge to go cower under his bed. Being subjected to that deceptively cheerful sociopathic grin, that twisted sneer that promised nightmarish pain to it's recipient, and those empty-eyes that bored deep into the very recesses of his soul, the little boy sudden realized that maybe Gato wasn't the scariest thing in the world after all.

Thankfully, before any of them had a chance to prove his supposition right, a group of men burst into the house.

"Tazuna! Gato's here!"

Tazuna's worry for his grandson was temporarily sidetracked. "Say what!"

"He and his men are headed to the bridge. They've got dynamite!"

"No! All of our hard work-!" He turned frantically to the Konohan team. "Please, stop them for us!"

Sasuke gave him a sideways glance. "Are you talking 'stop them' in a permanent sense?"

"Yes, fine, whatever! Kill the hell out of them! Go wild!"

The Uchiha's familiar smirk returned. "I knew there was a reason I kept you alive."

Sakura ran over and hugged the old man. "You're the best, grandpa-san! So much nicer than Sensei."

Kakashi muttered some unkind words from his corner before slipping his book into his pocket and moving to catch up with his enthused students, who had already charged headlong out of the house.

Behind him, Naruto calmly gathered his lantern and followed. Slowly.

And it wasn't until about two minutes later that Tazuna realized he'd forgotten something vitally important.

xxx

"Hurry it up!" Gato barked. "Break open those crates! Spread that dynamite around! I want everything in place when those fools show up!"

"Are we really going to need all of this, boss?" one of the mooks asked. "There's enough explosives here to send half the village up in smoke."

"Of course! We're making a point here that we won't be tolerating anymore resistance, and the quickest way to do that is by crushing their spirits completely."

"Yes boss, but what about those ninja that were seen escorting Tazuna here?"

Gato scoffed. "Please! The scout said there was only four of them, and that all but one of them were children. They'd have to be completely insane to try anything against all of us!"

Three loud shots rang out, and three mooks hit the floor, grey matter leaking from the new holes in their heads.

Gato and the approximately one hundred ninety-seven men he had left, stopped in their tracks and looked to the head of the bridge, where a young girl in a stood twirling a large hand-gun on her finger. A sudden wind picked up, catching the ends of her blood-red dress and blowing a few visible strands of pink hair out from beneath her hood, which had been pulled down to just above her eyes. Those who were close enough to see the grin on her face could tell that it was definitely not innocent. Not even deceptively so, for that matter.

With deliberate slowness, she reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a matching gun with her other hand.

"Shannaro," she whispered, the wind carrying her words just far enough for everyone on the bridge to hear.

The first mook turned back to Gato. "I know I never tell you this, boss...but I've always hated you."

"Well don't just stand there, you idiots!" Gato shouted to his men. "Kill her and get back to w-ulk?"

Gato cut himself off when he felt an arm drape itself over his shoulders. He was about to yell at the fool who distracted him when he noticed the vicious talon-like claws on the person's hand. Slowly, his gaze dragged up the hand to the white shirt-sleeve, then turned to the other side, where he came face to face with sharp eyes shadowed by black hair and a smirk that matched the girl's almost perfectly.

"Hi," the boy greeted lightly.

Gato stared, a bit befuddled as to what was happening. "Um...hi?"

"You know, I kind of like you," the boy informed him.

The tyrant still couldn't move. Neither could anyone else, it seemed. The situation was so surreal, it felt like it might not even be happening. "That's...good?"

"You know what I like best about you?" he continued.

"...No?"

"Your screams."

"...Wha-?" Gato spontaneously combusted.

And he screamed.

A lot.

And Sasuke liked the screams.

A lot.

Finally, Gato's blackened body stopped flailing about on the ground, and Sasuke turned to face the mob. "Next?"

That seemed to break the spell that everyone had fallen under, and things became really chaotic, really quickly.

xxx

From his vantage point, Kakashi watched as the little monsters tore through Gato's ranks with euphoric glee. It helped that the mob couldn't decide whether they would rather run away or avenge their boss, which led to a lot of stumbling and crashing into one another.

Normally, he'd be content to stay right where he was and let the kids work out their pent up aggressions, but as a jounin and a (reluctant) sensei, he also felt that he should probably be there to assist if it became necessary. He knew that they were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, but they were still outnumbered a hundred to one and there was no telling when someone might get a lucky shot on one of them.

That decided, he leapt into the fray and began casually taking out opponents while keeping plenty of cannon fodder between himself and his students.

About a minute and seventy-something bodies later, he was distracted by the sight of Sasuke leaping over the edge of the bridge without warning. Turning his head the other way, he barely caught a glimpse of Sakura doing the same on the other side. He found this odd, since there were still people left to kill and he hadn't seen either of them get hit, so what could make...

And then he heard a noise that he hadn't noticed before due to all the screaming and mayhem. It sounded something akin to a nest of angry snakes. Gato's men obviously heard it to, as the remainders of them stopped their panicking long enough to track the sound to its source.

The source being the six large crates of dynamite strung about among them, all of who's fuses had been lit by a series of very accurately aimed trails of blue fire.

"Well," Kakashi said, defeat creeping into his voice. "Fu-"

xxx

From the shoreline, Sasuke and Sakura sat watching the results of Sasuke's handywork like it was some gruesome fireworks display. Sasuke wished the agonizing screams would have lasted a little longer, while Sakura wished that Sasuke would just push her down and take her right there in the rock and mud by the light of the burning debris.

A ways behind them, Naruto, who had finally arrived on the scene, shook his head. He wished his friends wouldn't be so eager to kill and destroy all the time. If they kept things up like this he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to ignore the call of the vengeful flames.

Even further back behind him, Tazuna and the rest of the village stood in awe and horror, as the dust settled to reveal a large portion of their bridge completely obliterated, and the parts still intact covered with the remains of their former oppressors . They weren't entirely sure if they should be happy or heartbroken.

And from the sea, a singed and slightly battered Kakashi waded toward shore, his eye never leaving the placated face of the youngest Uchiha. Stepping out of the water, he stalked over and glared down at him.

"Why?" he asked, his voice low and a little unhinged.

Sasuke gave him a bored look. "Hey, killing them one at a time was becoming a pain. Much longer and they would have started running away. This way I made sure to get all of them at once."

"And you couldn't have warned me that you were setting off hundreds of explosives in the general area?"

"And how was I supposed to warn you without warning all of them as well?"

"Duh, sensei," Sakura added.

"Besides, you don't look nearly as crispy as you did the last time we blew you up," Sasuke informed him.

"...I hate you both," he stated before walking off to find some gauze, and wondering if ol' Danzo still had any Root positions available.

xxx

xxx

**Next time: Back to Konoha, and a chapter where nobody dies or gets maimed. There might not even be any property damage. And yet, somehow, trauma still accumulates.**

**'Til then.**

**LL**


	5. Team 7 have a good day

Sorry for the wait. I'm sure you're used to it from me by now, but sorry all the same.

xxx

xxx

Sarutobi Hiruzen reread the mission report he'd been presented with, glanced up at the man who had presented it, and then reread it again.

"This is...an unfortunate amount of damage," he mumbled.

"Yes it is, Hokage-sama," Kakashi agreed lightly.

"Well, perhaps I should send some workers to help with the rebuilding of their bridge."

"They do not want any more of our 'help', Hokage-sama."

Hiruzen frowned. "They said that?"

"They were quite adamant, Hokage-sama."

"Hmm, that's quite a shame."

"Indeed, Hokage-sama."

Neither spoke for a moment.

"Kakashi?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"You've been holding that Raikiri in your hand for a while now. Are you planning on using it for something?"

"That all depends on whether or not I can get you to drop your guard, Hokage-sama. ...And on a completely different note, is that an Iwagakure assassin creeping up behind you?"

"..."

"Worth a shot," the jounin muttered.

"Honestly now, Kakashi," Hiruzen said, sounding highly disappointed. "I realize that those three children have developed some eccentricities since leaving the academy-"

"Oh, no no no no no. Eccentric? Maito Gai is 'eccentric', Hokage-sama. These... children are sociopathic devils, risen from Hell itself for the sole purpose of taking away my very last ounce of happiness and contentment."

"And these sociopathic devils who only left the academy a very short time ago are simply too much for a professional like you to handle, Kakashi?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Kakashi admitted without a hint of shame.

The old man sighed in defeat. "Well, then perhaps the announcement I'll be making a little later will cheer you up."

xxx

Naruto plodded at his typical tortoise-like speed down the streets of Konoha, not really noticing or caring that everyone else was giving him an even wider berth than they used to. He had other things on his mind at the moment: Vengeance, seeking out people to take vengeance on, and the realization that he hadn't eaten in over a month.

He wondered how that could be possible. He'd watched others eat over the last month but had never felt inclined to join them. Even now, he didn't feel hungry, nor could he remember why food was so important in the first place. Food was like sleeping, it just got in the way of his mission.

So spoke The Flame. Doink-tebbayo.

Despite that, he currently found himself walking through the food district of the village, because even though The Flame had told him to seek out and stab the guy who had tossed a potted plant at his head back when he was ten, there was another voice deep inside him that told him that he would find something important here. And, since he had no idea where that plant-tossing man lived, The Flame had relented, but only on the grounds that he find somebody who deserved a good stabbing before the day was over. In the meantime, he would try to determine what exactly he was yearning for in this area.

It didn't take long.

"Naruto-kun!"

Turning (slowly) to his caller, he spotted a brown-haired girl, wearing a white apron and kerchief on her head, waving to him from in front of a ramen shop.

Ichiraku Ayame, he remembered. He couldn't remember a lot about her, or even where he remembered her from, which was a good indication that she didn't need to be stabbed. He'd remember that.

That in mind, he had no business with her and so turned to leave, but was stopped short as the girl grabbed the hand not holding his lantern and pulled him back toward the ramen shop.

"It's been so long since you last stopped by the shop, I was afraid something bad had happened to you," Ayame informed him as she cheerfully dragged him inside.

Naruto didn't like being touched. He planned on showing her just how much he disliked it as soon as she let go of his empty hand.

"Daddy, Naruto's back!" she called to him, making the three customers already there decide that they'd rather have their meals to go, while Teuchi's suddenly numb hands dropped the spoon and ladle he'd been holding at the mention of the demon-boy's name.

"Oh, ah...h-hello Naruto," Teuchi greeted nervously before shooting a quick look at his daughter. "Ayame, are you, uh...are you sure it's safe? To have him here, I mean?"

"Oh daddy, honestly!" she scoffed, placing her hands on her hips and glaring at him in disappointment. "You're not going to start listening to all those terrible things that people have been saying about him now, are you?"

Teuchi glanced back at Naruto, feeling sweat starting to build on his brow. "Well, the stories they've been telling lately have been a lot more...bloody, than they used to be."

Naruto, having freed his hand from Ayame, reached into his robe for his stabbin' knife, but was impeded when the older girl grabbed him again and pulled him into a protective embrace.

"Those stories only started after that teacher tricked him into stealing from the Hokage and then tried to kill him," she said in his defense. "Not to mention being put on a team with those two unstable kids. The poor thing has probably been traumatized by the whole experience!"

Naruto still wasn't a big fan of being touched, but with his head held firmly against the taller girl's chest, something told him to go ahead and let it slide just this once.

Teuchi stared between his beloved daughter and the demonic creature she was currently protecting and let out a reluctant sigh. It was true that people had often over-exaggerated tales of Naruto's behavior in the past, and it wasn't like he'd personally seen the boy do any of the horrible things he'd been accused of. Maybe he was being too hard on the boy.

On the other hand, those soulless, unblinking eyes were ungodly creepy. He'd be seeing them in his nightmares tonight.

As the vendor held his mental debate, Ayame prompted Naruto into a seat and, in no time at all, had a steaming bowl of ramen placed in front of him.

"Eat up, Naruto-kun," she said cheerfully. "Plenty more where that came from."

Naruto stared at the contents of the bowl. Ramen. He vaguely remembered ramen from before. Before his life had found new purpose. Why this substance would hold any special meaning was lost on him. He didn't need it, he needed to be out fulfilling his sacred duty.

But, the nice girl seemed to think he should eat it.

The Flame disagreed.

Slowly (of course), he picked up his chopsticks.

One bite, just to indulge the nice girl. Then back to his mission.

xxx

"Team Seven!"

The gathered shinobi stared at Kakashi, though the Hokage's was more of a glare.

"Could you perhaps wait until I actually make the announcement, Kakashi?" he requested.

Kakashi lowered his raised hand. "Of course, sorry Hokage-sama."

Hiruzen nodded, then addressed the rest of the room. "It is with great pride that I announce-"

"Team Seven!"

Hiruzen glared harder. Kakashi lowered his hand again. "Sorry."

"...That this year, Konohagakure will have the honor of hosting the Chunin-"

"Team Seven!"

"...Exams."

"Team Seven!"

"Is there anyone here-"

"Team-"

"**Other than** Hatake Kakashi," he growled with the firmest glare yet. "-who would like to register their Genin teams?"

Quiet mutterings and wary glances were shared amongst the jounin as they all considered the question.

"Just so we're clear-"

"YES, Kakashi, you've made it quite clear that your team will be entering the exams."

The masked man nodded. "Okay, just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here. ...And, they will be entering, yes? You're cool with that?"

Hiruzen groaned loudly. "Yes, Kakashi. Normally, I'd be wary about any team entering so soon after becoming Genin, but I can clearly see that you have the utmost confidence in their abilities."

"...Oh, yes. Confidence. I have that," he agreed firmly. "...So, they're officially entered now?"

"Yes, Kakashi."

"For certain?"

"I'm writing their names in the sign-up sheet as we speak," he assured him through grit teeth.

"Well be sure not to misspell anything. There's a silent 'U' in 'Sasuke', you know?"

You could hear the Hokage's teeth begin to grind.

"Just didn't want to have any misunderstandings when exam day arrived, you see?" Kakashi explained. "...So they're in?"

"Yes, Kakashi."

"You're sure?"

"Yes, Kakashi!"

"Absolutely, one-hundred percent-"

"YES KAKASHI! Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura are all entered in the upcoming Chunin Exams! They will all be competing in those very same Chunin Exams! Should they meet the proper expectations, they will become Chunin when it is over! And, should they indeed become Chunin, they will no longer be your responsibility, all right!"

"...Heh."

The other jounin took a collective step away from Kakashi.

"Heheheh."

Then they began to sweat.

"No longer...my responsibility?" he muttered, tasting the words carefully. "No longer my... responsibility." A grin so big it was visible through his mask appeared on his face. "No longer my responsibility!"

And to the amazement and horror of everyone, Kakashi swept across the room, kissing everyone in reach, before skipping out the door and singing "Free free free free free!" as he went.

The horribly awkward silence that followed was eventually broken up by Gai. "Ah! Even in the throughs of mental psychosis, my eternal rival remains cool! Obviously I have no choice but to enter my students alongside his!"

Shockingly, very few others followed Gai's example.

Asuma and Kurenai shared an uncertain look.

"You know, an extra year of training can only be good for them," the kunoichi pointed out.

"Yeah, but... you don't suppose Kakashi is just being melodramatic, do you?" Asuma wondered idly. "I mean, the way he always failed all his students in the past, and how he was pretty much forced to NOT fail those three, makes you think he never really wanted to be a sensei in the first place. Besides, I read the files on those three from their academy days and there wasn't anything to suggest they were anywhere near as bad as he makes them out to be."

"But haven't you heard any of the stories since they became Genin? Surely your students have mentioned something; wasn't Yamanaka Ino fairly close to Haruno Sakura?"

Asuma hummed lightly and inclined his head to stare at the ceiling. "Well, now that you mention it..."

xxx

Anyone who knew Yamanaka Ino particularly well knew without a doubt that she was both the most fortunate and unfortunate person in Konoha (Hatake Kakashi would have contested that vehemently, had it not been for the 'fortunate' part). The reason for this was because, unlike anyone else in Konoha, she had the designation of being Haruno Sakura's best friend.

This was fortunate for the simple reason that Sakura was unlikely to kill someone that she considered her best friend, which theoretically gave Ino more protection than anyone not named Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto.

It was unfortunate for the simple reason that it meant she had to spend a lot of (unwilling) time with Sakura. And also because there was still the very real possibility that she might say something to set Sakura off, in which case she might just kill her and go find a new best friend.

Yamanaka Ino was to be pitied, indeed.

Luckily, Ino had been Sakura-free for a little over a week now, and she was finally beginning to feel like she wasn't about to have a nervous breakdown at any moment.

When she'd first heard that Sakura and her team had left the village on a mission, she hadn't believed it. Chances that it was a trick to fool her into dropping her guard only for Sakura to appear right behind her were far too risky. Three days later, she determined that Sakura really was gone, but that wasn't enough to get her to relax; after all, what if Sakura realized she'd forgotten something back in the village, came back to get it and ran into Ino on the way back to her house? No, better safe than sorry, that's for sure.

But now, after a week of not seeing nor hearing any trace of the pink-haired monster, Ino's nerves were unwinding. She was able to walk down the street without shrieking or leaping out of her skin every time a shadow passed over her. She was able to spend time with her teammates, just as she was doing now at their favorite training ground, without pausing to look over her shoulder every few seconds. She even found herself smiling a couple times at the stupid behavior of her lazy teammates. She didn't think she'd had a genuine smile since leaving the academy. She-

"Ino-chaaa~n!"

-disappeared so fast one would think that she'd used Hiraishin no Jutsu to accomplish it.

Choji and Shikamaru were quick to follow suit, only to both immediately fall flat on their faces on the first step. Lifting their heads from the dirt, they looked in shock to find that Ino had taken a brief nanosecond to tie their legs together before abandoning them to their fates.

Nara Shikamaru could only think of one phrase to properly describe how he felt about this.

"That bitch!"

Choji would have agreed had he not been frozen in place upon seeing the pink and red Eldrich Abomination bound into their clearing.

"Hi boys!" Sakura greeted them. "Where's Ino-chan?"

Shikamaru cleared his throat weakly. "Y-you uh...just missed her."

"Do you know where she went?"

"N-not me," he stammered again, turning to his best friend. "Do you, Choji?" he asked in a voice that pleaded for the other boy to know which direction Ino had vanished in, even if he had to take a lucky guess.

Sakura also turned to Choji for confirmation. "Well?"

Choji passed out.

"You fatass traitor," Shikamaru growled under his breath.

"Hmph," Sakura pouted. "Oh well, I guess I'll just hang out with you guys for now." A twisted grin split her face as she flipped open her basket. "Wanna see my newest toys?"

Shikamaru shuddered.

xxx

Teuchi and Ayame watched in astonishment as Naruto emptied his thirteenth bowl, then softly banged the handle of his knife on the counter, which they had come to realize was his way of asking for another.

"Wow, you're certainly making up for lost time, Naruto-kun," Ayame commented as she slid another bowl over to him, which he wasted little time in digging into.

How could he have possibly forgotten something so amazing? Sure, he apparently didn't _need_ food to survive anymore, but that was no excuse to give it up cold turkey.

Sadly, he was going to have to stop for now, as the roaring demands of The Flame was now being joined by the pleas for mercy from his stomach. So, finishing his last bowl, he reached back into his robes, pulled out a frog-shaped wallet, dropped it on the counter and walked out without a glance back.

Though you couldn't see it on his face, despite his indigestion Naruto felt more energized than he had all month. It made him wonder if there were any other useful things from his past that he should be trying to remember.

A thought that would make the whole village shudder if they knew about it.

"Poor Naruto-kun," Ayame said from the entryway as the boy walked out of sight. "Whatever those two teammates of his have been putting him through must have really messed him up."

Teuchi was about to comment when Kakashi skipped past from another direction, kicking his heels up and whistling a merry tune as he went.

"Their sensei seems to be taking pretty well to them, though," Ayame pointed out, to which Teuchi could only nod. He didn't think he'd ever understand the shinobi mindset.

xxx

Sasuke woke up grumpy, as he often did, and stumbled his way into the bathroom. After splashing some water into his face, he reached for a towel when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Brushing the hair back from his face, he found a pair of blood-red eyes with little swirly marks spinning around the pupils staring back at him.

He stared into his own eyes for a few seconds longer, then turned away from the mirror and brought his hand up to his face, his body shaking with mirth.

"Hmhmhmhm-Hahahahahaha-AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

xxx

Somewhere far away, two other Uchiha's shuddered, though neither were sure why.

xxx

xxx


	6. Good days can't last forever

*Shuffles through Box of Excuses*

Seriously though: This chapter was supposed to be three times as long as this. The first and last thirds of it have been finished for over two months, unfortunately the middle third has been a real pain in the ass to finish. Finally, I realized just how long it's been since I last updated and decided to just post the first portion of it (short though it may be), and then post the next two parts together once the unfinished part stops being a bitch to me.

Enjoy anyway, if you can.

xxx

xxx

"Hello, my little monsters!" a still exuberant Kakashi greeted upon arriving at the team's meeting point. Still riding the high of his imminent freedom, he'd actually arrived at the team's meeting point early so that he could share his good news as soon as possible.

He may have been a bit overenthusiastic, seeing as they weren't meeting that day, meaning he'd been waiting there for going on twenty-one hours now, but judging by the way he started bouncing on his heels when the three genin finally arrived, he either hadn't noticed or hadn't cared.

Hell, he was in such a good mood that he wasn't even nervous over seeing that his students all appeared to be in good moods, as well. Sakura was grinning and humming, which wasn't anything new; Sasuke was smirking, which was one of only two or three expressions he ever showed anymore anyway; and if he were to look especially close, he might almost possibly be able to make out what might have been the very tiniest beginnings of what almost appeared to be a smile on Naruto's face, maybe.

Probably not, though.

"I have the most wonderful news, children!" Kakashi gushed once the three kids were properly assembled. "I've entered you in the Chunin Exams!"

The three kids glanced at one another, though Kakashi missed the actions as he continued speaking gleefully.

"Yes, you see the Chunin Exams are being held here in Konoha a week from now, and after all the... incredible feats I've seen from you since taking you under my wing, I wholeheartedly believe that you're more than prepared for them." Barely able to contain himself, he began pacing back and forth, his gaze turning skyward at the happy thoughts assaulting his mind. "And then, since you'll all undoubtedly pass with flying colors, you'll all be made Chunin and become independent ninja. You'll be able to go on missions without me, further your individual training without me, spill the blood of innocents without me... Oh, won't that be simply wonderful?"

"No thanks," Sakura said.

"Pass," Sasuke agreed.

"..." Naruto ...'ed.

Kakashi's mind locked up. Though his pacing continued in a sense, he forgot to turn back, and subsequently kept walking in one direction for several meters until he smacked face-first into a tree. Ignoring the blood now pooling inside his mask, he stumbled on rubbery legs back to the trio.

"What."

"I just don't think that we're prepared enough for something like that, Sensei," Sakura informed him, ending her statement with a giggle.

**"...What."**

"She has a point, you know?" Sasuke grumbled while raking his claws through his hair.

Kakashi could feel his face begin to twitch in various places. "...No. No, she doesn't have a point. She has absolutely no point at all!"

"She kind of does," Sasuke insisted.

"How? HOW? I don't even... HOW? How can any of you possibly think that you're not ready to become Chunin?" the masked man demanded before rounding on Naruto. "You! You defeated one, possibly two, A-ranked missing nin, single-handedly in the span of about fifteen seconds, right?"

Naruto's only answer was an empty-eyed stare at his sensei, before switching his gaze to his lantern, as if the inanimate object would somehow give him the answers to all of life's problems.

God, but that kid was creepy.

"And you!" Kakashi continued, turning to Sasuke. "You, with your blue fires and your complete and utter disregard for anything approaching human decency and your ability to make half the people who know you soil themselves at the very sight of you!"

"What do you mean, 'half'?" the sadistic Uchiha demanded.

Kakashi didn't acknowledge the question, already fixing his hateful gaze on the final member of the team. "And You!" His facial tics grew into painful-looking full-body spasms. "..._**Yoouuuu**_!"

"Me?" the pinkette asked with cheerful innocence, pointing to herself for added effect.

"_**Yooouuuu**_," Kakashi snarled again.

Sakura looked disappointed when he didn't elaborate on her further, but Kakashi appeared at a loss for words due to the overwhelming horror and hatred he felt for her. So instead, he took a moment to regather himself, and pressed onward. "You three... are three of the most unstable, dangerous, and feared people in this entire village, so I must ask again: What exactly is causing you to believe that you're not ready for the Chunin Exams?"

The teammates shared another look (Sakura and Sasuke did, anyway; Naruto was still mesmerized by his lantern).

"Well Sensei, the problem isn't so much with us..." Sakura began.

"It's with you," Sasuke finished.

"...Me," Kakashi stated rather than asked.

"You," Sasuke confirmed with a sharp nod.

Kakashi didn't respond to that for a long time. When he finally did, it was in the form of a broken chuckle. "Of course. Of course the problem is with me. W-what could I have possibly been thinking? Heheheh. Believing that there may have been something wrong with the three of you. How...how silly, heheheheh." Without warning, his hand came up and slapped himself across the face, thankfully knocking a bit of sanity back into place. He gave his head a firm shake. "Sorry about that, slipped up a little. Now uh...please explain how it is that **I'm** preventing **you** from entering the exams, considering how jubilantly I was informing you about wanting you to enter them all of about two minutes ago."

Sakura shrugged. "It's really quite simple, Sensei."

"Oh, do tell," he urged.

"You haven't taught us a Goddamn thing since becoming our Sensei," Sasuke told him.

Whatever answer Kakashi thought he might have gotten, it wasn't that one. "Come again?"

"We've been your students for over a month and yet you haven't actually taught us anything," Sakura explained.

Kakashi opened his mouth wordlessly, glanced off to the side at nothing, then tried again. "Is that all?"

"Well of course, you silly Sensei! How can you expect us to pass the Chunin Exams when we haven't learned anything as Genin yet?"

The question was so ridiculous that Kakashi actually had to force himself not to start screaming and stamping his feet on the ground.

"What more could any of you possibly need to learn?" he demanded. "You three already have a combined kill count that's higher than mine! The fact that at least half of those kills were innocent bystanders is a minor detail. All those enemies of ours in Wave Country didn't even stand a chance against you! For Christ's sake, you three could probably qualify for **Jounin** rank if you wanted to! You don't need teaching! What the Hell do you want from me?"

"How do you walk on water?" Sakura asked.

"I, what?"

"I heard from Shikamaru that his sensei taught them how to walk on water and ceilings and stuff. How come you never taught us that?" she elaborated.

...Okay, fair enough.

"A constant and steady output of chakra through the soles of the feet will allow a person to cling to and or walk across nearly any physical surface. Practice is required to attain the proper amount of chakra necessary for each individual surface depending on density and whether said surface is solid or liquid." All of this was spoken in complete monotone, as though he were quoting it from a book. Which he was.

Sakura pouted. "Aw, is that all it takes? Shikamaru had so much trouble explaining it to me that I thought it would be a lot more difficult."

"Was he weeping uncontrollably at the time?" Kakashi asked.

"Yes."

"Well, there you go." The masked man gave a satisfied nod. "And now that I've officially taught you all something, I trust you'll all be anxiously awaiting the day of the exams, like I am." He turned to leave. "You all have days off until then, so try not to look for me in the meantime-"

"Hold on."

Kakashi sucked in a heavy breath, his hands clenching to the point of cracking knuckles, and whirled back to Sasuke. "What!"

Sasuke's glare went unaffected by his sensei's shout. "Aren't you supposed to know a thousand different jutsus? Would it not kill you to throw one or two of them our way?"

"Don't you mean, 'would it kill-'"

"I know what I said," he said with another glare.

Kakashi glared right back. Hard to believe that a mere five minutes ago, he'd been happier than he'd been in the last fifteen years, and now that happiness was been threatened by three stubborn, unstable little bastards. Three stubborn, unstable little bastards who were barely out of training pants. Who were supposed to be following his orders, doing whatever he told them to do! And here they were running roughshod over him. And that? That just wasn't right! He was Hatake Kakashi: son of Konoha's White Fang! Student of The Fourth! Made chunin when his age was still a single digit! He had a Goddamn Sharingan, Goddamnit! He shouldn't be afraid of this team of mass-murdering preteens! No sir: it was time for Kakashi to take his testicles out of Sakura's picnic basket, renew his expired Man Card and reestablish dominance over his life and everyone in it! And he knew just how to do it: If they wanted to be intimidating, he'd show them what it meant to be intimidating.

"You want to see one of my jutsus?" he repeated, a slight tremor in his voice. "All right then, watch closely my children."

Lowering his gaze to the ground, he went through the proper hand signs, and a glowing mass of chakra appeared in his hand in the form of the largest Raikiri he'd ever formed. Dust was kicked up by a sudden wind and the ground around him began to crack. Stray bolts of chakra shot off in every which way, somehow missing the three children and yet hitting two birds that had been flying overhead. Kakashi held the barely contained chakra up for all to see, his visible eye blazing and, for some reason, his hair a few inches longer and even spikier than usual.

"This is my Raikiri," he explained over the noise of said jutsu. "It's very powerful and works great for assassinating enemies, or a trio of insubordinate little shits who don't-"

"Aaand saved," Sasuke announced, canceling his Sharingan with a blink.

The Raikiri immediately snuffed out of existence, and Kakashi's hair returned to normal, his eye glazed over, and his jaw noticeably dropped behind his mask. "Wha?"

"Well, thanks for the jutsu. I'll be sure to get plenty of use out of it," the Uchiha continued before turning and walking away. "See you next week at the exams."

"...B-but-"

Sakura tittered and reached up to pat him on the cheek. "See how easy things can go when you just cooperate, Sensei?" She too turned and left.

"...I wa-"

Naruto stared down at the two dead pigeons, then up at Kakashi. Raising his lantern, two purple wraiths sprung forth and hit the older man in the chest.

It itched a little.

Satisfied, he shuffled off after his teammates.

Now alone in the field, Kakashi watched until they were all out of sight. Then he sat down on the ground, crossed his legs, pulled his little book out of his pouch, and began to read.

_Find a Happy Place. Find a Happy Place. Things will get better. The Demon Trio will be someone else's problem soon enough._

He valiantly fought the urge to laugh and scream at the same time as he read faster. He really, really hoped that 'soon enough' would be soon enough.

xxx

xxx

Speaking of 'soon enough', next part will be out as soon as I finish this last scene. And it will be longer, so there's that.

LL


	7. Bad days for foreigners

And here we are: extra long chapter just like I promised. Enjoy.

xxx

xxx

"So Konohamaru, how many more days do you have before your teacher gets back?"

Konohamaru, respected grandson of the Third Hokage, shrugged as he and his two best friends, Udon and Moegi, walked through the village toward their secret training grounds, which was really just a section of a local playground far enough away from the play equipment that none of the other kids cared about it.

"Well, according to Grandpa, he's out of the hospital, but he's still got at least another month's worth of trauma therapy before he'll be ready to start working again. So unless Grandpa puts someone else in charge of my schooling, I'd say we have plenty of time to ourselves."

Udon let out a breath of relief. "That's good. That should give us lots of time to train like we planned."

"Yeah, the sooner we can get stronger, the better," Moegi commented grimly, causing the boys to shiver at the implication. These days, getting stronger had taken on a much more urgent meaning that it used to. Back then, getting stronger sooner meant having a head start over the rest of the students when they graduated from the academy. But now, getting stronger was a safety measure in the event that they ever have another run-in with the Demon Trio. And they (not to mention a large portion of the village) were taking that measure seriously. After all, hearing the whispered conversations about the three was one thing; actually seeing first-hand what one of them was capable of the way these three kids had did a much better job of driving the point home. And then, of course, there was _experiencing_ it first-hand...

Poor, poor Ebisu-sensei.

"Well, don't worry guys," Konohamaru told them as he stopped and reached into a bag on his hip, pulling out several scrolls and holding them up for his friends to see. "I snuck into Grandpa's room and swiped some of his jutsu scrolls. If we can master these, even those three won't be a match for us!"

Udon and Moegi gasped in shock. "Really?"

Konohamaru expression dimmed considerably. "Well...no. But if we learn them, we should at least have a better chance of escaping if we ever run into them."

"That's good enough for me," Moegi said, reaching for one of the scrolls.

Unfortunately, someone else grabbed it first.

"Hey!" Konohamaru shouted, spinning around to confront whoever had taken his scroll. He found himself staring up at a boy dressed entirely in black, his face done up heavily in white and purple paint, and a large... something wrapped in bandages on his back.

"Well now, what do we have here?" the stranger wondered, opening the scroll with a casual flick of his wrist. He scanned the paper and whistled. "Wow, high level stuff. What's a twerp like you doing with something like this?"

"Give it back!" Konohamaru demanded, lunging forward. He was stopped easily by an outstretched hand on his face, keeping his shorter arms from reaching the older boy or the scroll.

"Nah, I think I'll hold onto it. A little brat like you wouldn't even know what to do with something like this. In fact," He tucked the scroll into his pocket and quickly snatched up the pouch holding the rest of them. "Maybe I should just hold on to all of them for you. That way you won't lose 'em."

"You can't do that!" Moegi argued. "Those are the Hokage's scrolls!"

"Yeah, and we'll get in so much trouble if we don't get them back before he realizes they're gone!" Udon added before Moegi's elbow to his ribs could silence him.

The boy in black laughed. "Can't see how that's my problem. Although," He shifted his grip from Konohamaru's head to his jacket, effortlessly lifting the smaller boy off the ground. "Maybe I ought to make sure that you don't go blabbing to him, huh?"

While his two friends stood back, wondering what they should do, Konohamaru tried his damnedest to bite the bully's hand, to little avail.

Before he could try something else, they were joined by two more newcomers in the form of a sandy-blonde girl and a redheaded boy, both of whom were also carrying large, unusual objects on their back.

The girl gave an exasperated sigh as she took in the scene. "Just once I would like to be able to go somewhere without having to worry about you tormenting the local children, Kankuro."

"Hey, I don't hear you complaining when it's Gaara doing the tormenting," Kankuro shot back over his shoulder.

"Big difference," she muttered with a sideways glance toward the redhead, who was cross-armed and looking bored. Or angry. Or some mixture of both, perhaps.

"Quit wasting time, Kankuro," he growled. "We have other things to do."

"I'm hardly wasting time, bro." Kankuro informed him as he held up his proffered bag of scrolls. "I was actually negotiating a deal for these valuable jutsu scrolls. See, I really felt like I should give them something in return for them, but these kids all seemed pretty insistent that I take them for free, as a sign of good will and all that." Without even looking, he tilted his head back to avoid a wild kick that Konohamaru had aimed at the side of his head.

"We don't need them," Gaara stated firmly.

Kankuro shrugged a shoulder. "Well, maybe not us personally, but that doesn't mean they couldn't come in handy later. You know, for the other thing?"

Gaara's eyes narrowed, causing the girl to sidestep away from him and Kankuro was prepared to throw the kid and the scrolls away and plead forgiveness for daring to second-guess his little brother. He was spared the effort when he realized that Gaara's fierce gaze wasn't being directed at him. Turning his head back to the front, he frowned. "You want something?"

Udon and Moegi, who had been fretting about how to help their friend and de facto leader, had a similar reaction to realizing that Kankuro wasn't speaking to them, either. Together, they turned around, and immediately felt all the blood leave their faces.

Looming over them were two-thirds of the Demon Trio, the other third approaching from further down the road, in no apparent hurry to catch up.

With the two children frozen in fear and the three Suna nin watching curiously, Konohamaru finally stopped struggling to free himself, and instead began struggling to turn his head far enough to see what had caught everyones attention behind him, which he wasn't having any luck with.

"Guys?" he called out. "What's going on? Is someone here to help us?"

A giggle and a snort of amusement was the only reply he got. This did not fill him with hope.

Like a viper with cornered prey, Sasuke slowly leaned forward until he was face level with Udon and Moegi. He stared at one, then the other, then settled on the small space between them and whispered a single word.

"Boo."

It was difficult to tell which of the two kids let out the more effeminate scream, but before the Sand nin could recover from their surprise over it, both had dashed right past them and kept going.

"What about Konohamaru?" Udon asked, though he showed no signs of actually turning back himself.

"Leave him!" Moegi shouted back. Udon didn't need to be told twice as they both picked up speed and didn't bother slowing until reaching the relative safety of their homes.

Now a bit more bewildered than before, the Suna team turned back to the Sasuke and Sakura. Kankuro snickered as he sized them up. "You know that belts are supposed to go around your waist, don't you?" he asked, nodding toward Sasuke's pant legs.

Sasuke gave him an amused 'humph', but otherwise ignored the fashion tip. "Tormenting kids, huh?"

The puppet-wielder smirked, tightening his grip on Konohamaru, who was by this point struggling for his life now that he realized what had made Udon and Moegi run off. "What if I am?"

"Would you like a few tips?"

Kankuro almost dropped the boy in his surprise. "Tips?"

Sasuke shrugged his hunched shoulders. "You just don't seem like you're very good at it. I thought I'd help you out because, honestly, it's kind of embarrassing to watch."

"...What's that supposed to mean!" Where did this kid get off telling _him_ how to bully people? He'd been bullying children back in Suna since he was their age! "You think you know how to traumatize children better than me?"

"Obviously. Just look at him," Sasuke said, pointing toward the struggling Konohamaru. "He's not bleeding, he hasn't wet himself; Hell, he's barely even crying, and he only started doing that after we showed up."

Kankuro glanced down at Konohamaru, who indeed had tears streaming down his cheeks.

"For the love of God, don't let him get me!" the boy pleaded.

Snorting in irritation, Kankuro tossed him to the side, where he bounced once, flipped backward onto his feet and took off in the direction of his departed friends without missing a beat.

"Whatever," the painted-faced boy grumbled, glaring at Sasuke. "So you're some sort of tough guy, huh?"

Sasuke's smirk widened. "Some sort."

Temari, sensing the rise in testosterone levels and predicting the most probable outcome between the two, rolled her eyes in annoyance. Boys, honestly... She turned to her other brother, hoping he wasn't as irritated as she was. But the thought fled her mind immediately when she saw that the bonnet-wearing girl with the picnic basket had slipped past everyone and was now standing dangerously close to her youngest sibling. Close enough that she was amazed his automatic sand defense hadn't come out to separate them.

For his part, Gaara had been ignoring the intruder of his personal space because he had been more focused on the third boy who was still making his way toward them. Something about him felt familiar, and at the same time devoid of warmth or feeling at all, and for some reason it was making him uneasy.

Ignoring the strange girl became rather difficult, however, because he could see the blissful look on her face from the corner of his eye as she stared at him, and it was starting to grate on his nerves.

Not only that, but...

"Why are you sniffing me?" he finally asked her.

Sakura giggled. "Because you smell nice, of course."

Temari stared at the (quite possibly doomed) girl in bemusement. Smelled nice? Every time she got too close to Gaara the only things she could ever smell was the scent of stale blood and ruptured entrails. Tentatively, so as not to draw attention to herself, she leaned over and took a small whiff. Her face scrunched up and she moved back. Yep, that was definitely stale blood and entrails she smelt.

"Stop it," Gaara commanded, his voice lowering as he did.

"Why?" the pinkette asked.

"Because if you don't, I'm going to peel the flesh from your bones one small strip at a time and then use them to wallpaper my bedroom," he told her, his voice continuing to drop, going from an emotionless drone to a sinister growl before his threat reached its end.

Both of Gaara's siblings took a few cautious steps away from him. Sasuke's smirk left his face, leaving only a contemplative stare. "Creative. Gotta remember that one," he muttered with a small tone of respect in his voice.

Sakura blinked owlishly. "Are you flirting with me?"

Temari and Kankuro almost fell over, while Gaara restrained himself to simply glaring even harder. "I am threatening to murder you in a brutally painful-"

"Sorry lover-boy," she interrupted with a stern wag of her finger. "But my flesh and everything in it belongs to Sasuke-kun." She batted her eyes and gave him what vaguely passed as a seductive grin. "But if you played your cards right, I could probably convince him to let me keep you as our... personal pleasure servant."

"Any sex slaves I have are going to be female," Sasuke informed her while giving Temari an appraising once-over. "How high is your pain-to-pleasure threshold?"

Temari didn't dignify the question with a response. She'd lived too many years with Gaara to be intimidated by something as simple as that, though hearing it come from someone who didn't look old enough to have hit puberty yet was a little off-putting.

"But Sasuke-kuuu~n!" Sakura whined.

Sasuke shook his head. "What do you need him for, anyway? You've already got Naruto."

Sakura gasped loudly. "I would never treat Naruto-kun as a sex slave!"

Naruto, who had finally come within hearing distance of the group, began to feel the slight vestiges of something deep within him, like a small spark of warmth in his heart that had been inexplicably absent for longer than he could remember. It was a nice feeling.

"He's more like a pet, if anything."

And it was immediately snuffed out.

"Anyway, we'd love to stay and chat more, but we've gotta prep for the Chunin Exams next week," Sakura explained. Reaching out, she ruffled Gaara's hair, a move which sent the Sand trio into another state of shock. "See you there, cutie," she purred and began skipping away, humming a merry turn as she went. Sasuke followed after, brushing right past a still-frozen Kankuro and Temari without a word.

The Suna siblings watched them go, then slowly turned around to the last Konoha nin still standing before them.

Naruto sized the three foreigners up one at a time. Temari couldn't help but flinch under his sightless gaze, but he found nothing of interest about her. Same with Kankuro, who hid his sudden discomfort behind an aloof glare. Then he looked to Gaara.

_'Jackpot!'_ The Flame declared.

Naruto reached into his sleeve, pulled out his knife, and began walking toward him. Gaara visibly tensed, and the cork on his gourd shot off as sand began pouring out from within.

Temari tensed as well, realizing that things were getting out of hand. "Um, Gaara-"

She didn't get any further before the cloud of sand shot forward, effortlessly cocooning Naruto from head to toe and immediately beginning to constrict.

"Aw, geez," Kankuro muttered worriedly. "Right in the middle of the village, too. Hope the kid's not too important or anything."

Gaara ignored his brother and sister; a pretty easy task since he couldn't focus on anything beyond Shukaku bellowing "KillitKillitKillitKillit!" over and over, louder and louder inside his head. He still wasn't completely certain why the Ichibi wanted this boy dead so desperately (more so than usual, at any rate), but he did know that he was getting a migraine from him, and was sure that they would both feel much better once he did what the demon said. So, he raised his hand out toward the floating mound of sand, ready to crush the boy like a grape.

The sand prison flashed with purple light.

Shukaku screamed.

Shukaku screaming caused Gaara to scream.

Gaara screaming caused Temari and Kankuro to scream.

Their combined screams caused all the villagers who stopped to see what was going on to scream and then run away.

And then the prison of sand collapsed.

It just collapsed.

And it now lay in an unmoving pile at the feet of the empty-eyed boy, who was now resuming his funeral-paced march toward the redhead as though he had never stopped in the first place. Fear gripped Sabaku no Gaara's body for the first time in six years, freezing him where he stood as the blonde raised his knife.

"Would you hurry the Hell up!" Sasuke growled, having returned with Sakura to grab Naruto by the arms and forcefully pull him along behind them. "Stop wasting so much time, you puttering dolt!"

Naruto still didn't like being touched, and he really didn't like being interrupted when he was in the middle of exacting vengeance. His lantern began glowing brighter again, the wraiths within preparing to erupt. Then he felt a sharp flick across the end of his nose.

"Hey! No!" Sakura commanded sternly, her finger still threateningly close to his face. "No."

For a brief moment, Naruto considered doing it anyway, but somehow the thought of angering Sakura didn't sit right with him. He'd let Sasuke off the hook, but he was going to punish his next victim extra hard to make up for it.

As they wandered out of sight, the Sand siblings turned back to the motionless pile of sand on the ground.

"What... just happened?" Temari finally asked, her voice uncharacteristically small.

Kankuro was too unsettled to respond beyond a weak shrug. He was so unsettled that he didn't even realize he was no longer holding the bag of scrolls he'd taken from Konohamaru, either.

Gaara didn't respond at all. Even as he stared at his motionless sand, he wasn't really seeing it. All that mattered right now was that the voices in his head, the voices that had been with him since the day he was born and had never once shut the Hell up, had now been replaced by soft, pitiful whimpering. All because of that one boy.

Faced with this, Gaara wasn't sure if he should start laughing or crying.

So he did a little of both.

xxx

Whether in the blink of an eye or painfully slow depending on who you asked, the day of the Chunin Exams arrived. Genin from all over the continent turned up with hopes of bringing success back to their villages; the vast majority of them being completely oblivious to their horribly low chances of ever returning to their villages should they meet up with a certain handful of ninja.

Three of those ninja were currently standing in front of the large building where the testing would begin, receiving a last minute pep talk from their sensei.

"Do not fail this exam."

Team Seven stared blankly at Kakashi.

"I am not kidding," the masked man continued, his tone stony with emphasis on each word. "Each of you had better pass this exam, because I swear to God, if a single one of you fails, I am absolutely going to snap. And I will not be held accountable for my actions if that happens."

The three kids shared another of their group glances.

"You know," Sasuke spoke up. "I had no intention of failing up to now, but after hearing that, it almost sounds like it would be worth staying a genin just to see it."

Kakashi chuckled. "Oh, and I'm sure you'll feel that way right up to the point where I force five yards of razor-wire down your throat, ya smug little shit."

"...I knew you'd start coming around eventually," Sasuke admitted, patting Kakashi's shoulder proudly as he walked past.

Sakura leapt forward and embraced the jounin, which nearly caused him to scream in horror.

"Why'd you have to wait until now to start being fun, sensei?" she whimpered sadly. Then she released him and skipped merrily into the building with after Sasuke, pulling Naruto along with her.

Kakashi watched after them until they were out of sight, then he slowly brought his arms up and wrapped them around his body, shivering fiercely.

"S-s-s-so c-c-cold."

xxx

After a brief encounter with a pair of disguised chunin who had been trying to trick the participants with an illusion ('Brief' meaning that the duo noticed the Demon Trio walking toward them and bolted in the other direction, taking the illusion with them), everyone arrived at their true destination on the third floor; Team Seven bringing up the rear due in large part to Naruto.

A hush fell over the room as the handful of other Konoha genin all turned to stare as they entered. Even though not all of them truly believed the horrible rumors that had been circulating around the village about the dangerous team, they had, at the very least, heard the rumors and were curious to find out just how accurate they were. The foreign teams all stared as well, most of them wondering what the big deal was or if there was some vital information that they weren't being privy to.

The lone Suna team decided not to draw unneeded attention to themselves.

Team Gai looked unintimidated.

Team Ten tried their best to blend in with the far corner of the room by huddling as low and close together as possible.

It didn't work.

"Ino-chaaaa~n!"

Ino's heart-rate spiked furiously at that most terrible of cries. She already knew there would be no escaping: the trio was still blocking the only door, the nearest window was on the opposite side of the room, and worst of all, Shikamaru and Choji had just shoved her out into the open before she could react. Those fuckers!

Before the blonde could even contemplate proper murderous vengeance, she found herself stuck in a tight bearhug.

"I'm SO glad you're here! Now we can both become chunin together like we always wanted!" Sakura squealed as she swung her friend back and forth with deceptively hidden strength. "Aren't you happy that I convinced your sensei to let you enter the exams?"

xxx

"Asuma, that's your eleventh pack this week," Kurenai worriedly informed him. "I really wish you would cut back."

"I'll cut back once the day-terrors end," the ashen-faced man stated, shakily bringing another cigarette to his lips.

Kurenai shook her head, now more glad than ever that she'd given her students an extra year to (avoid Team 7) prepare for the Chunin Exams. Not to mention more than a little happy that none of them had come to visit her.

xxx

"Y-yeah, sure am g-glad you did that, S-sakura...ch-chan." Ino agreed, fighting the urge to sob and mentally begging the pinkette to release her.

"Sure are a lot of mean looking people here," Sakura commented as she scanned the room of its inhabitants, many of whom were staring at her with looks ranging from bemusement to open hostility.

"Listen up!" she suddenly shouted, grabbing the attention of everyone who wasn't already focused on her. She shifted her hold on Ino, putting an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. "This is Ino-chan," she announced.

Everyone acknowledged the trembling blonde who looked like she wanted the floor to open and swallow her.

"She's my best friend in the whole world," Sakura continued. "You mess with her and I'm giving you a rectal injection of plastic explosive." Her expression slipped back to its natural not-innocent smile. "'Kay?"

The collective expressions changed to fear among those who knew of Haruno Sakura, and anger among those who didn't. Ino's shuddering increased when she noticed that several glares were now aimed at her.

"You'll be fine," Sakura assured her. With a pat on the back, she scampered off to rejoin her teammates, leaving Ino to crawl back into her corner.

From another corner of the room, three shinobi from Otogakure observed.

"Red Riding Hood's got a mouth on her," the girl commented.

The dark-haired boy beside her glanced at Sasuke, who was casually pointing toward random people and, if his lip-reading was still up to snuff, muttering words like 'decapitate', 'eviscerate', and 'incinerate' under his breath. He snorted. "They're trying so hard to look tough, it's almost pathetic."

Another boy, whose face was covered in bandages, gave an unseen smirk. "Well, there is a problem with trying to act tough." He slid out of his seat, prompting his teammates to follow suit. "Sometimes, someone calls your bluff."

The Sound nin didn't have to wait long for a distraction, as an older grey-haired boy had just approached the Demon Trio and began trying to converse with them. He didn't seem to be having a lot of luck, but at least he'd drawn their attention for the moment. As one, the Sound nin Shunshined into action, covering the length of the room in an instant. Zaku, taking the lead, leapt toward Sakura, his modified hand aimed at her neck. At the last moment, the girl turned her head in his direction, the look of surprise on her face telling him that she'd never be able to avoid him in time.

xxx

Outside the room, half a dozen shinobi, led by Morino Ibiki, stood waiting.

"Think they've waited long enough?" a proctor asked.

Ibiki nodded. "I suppose so. Wouldn't want them getting too rowdy before the testing."

As he reached for the door, a cacophony of sounds made him pause. There had been a scream, a soft mutter that he couldn't make out, another louder scream, a flock of birds, a small explosion, more screaming, several objects hitting the floor, and finally a deathly silence. The rest of the proctors shared uncertain glances amongst each other before Ibiki pushed the door open and quickly assessed the situation.

Three bodies, corpses to be more precise, lay on the floor in front of him. The first was a boy with what looked like a stab wound running vertically right between his eyes. He lay at the feet of Uzumaki Naruto, who in turn was bleeding from his shoulder, but didn't seem at all bothered by it. And directly behind him was Haruno Sakura.

A few feet away, Uchiha Sasuke stood between two more bodies; the first being a girl who looked to have lost about half of her upper torso, and the other being completely unidentifiable because it was still on fire.

Ibiki also noted that the majority of the other genin had all gathered at the back end of the room.

"Oh Naruto-kun! You protected me!" Sakura cried, giving the boy a hug, which he didn't seem to mind.

A slightly disturbed Rock Lee leaned over to Neji. "She... she pulled him in front of her, didn't she?" he whispered.

Neji nodded. "Yes, yes she did."

Ibiki turned to a man beside him. "Go get a mop and a dustpan, would you?" Turning back to the room, he added, "All right, everyone in their seats! Let's get this exam going before any more messes get made."

As everyone took their seats (a few of them opting to sit on the floor rather than take the only remaining seats next to Team Seven), Kabuto pulled a small deck of cards from his pocket and stared at them, frowning.

"When was the last time I updated these?"

xxx

xxx

A few reviewers were wondering why Naruto was the only one who hadn't actually killed anyone yet. The reason was because he came from a game where the people that Tonberrys stabbed only got KOed and could be revived by a magic feather. But then I realized that Iori and Bulleta both come from games where their enemies only get KOed when they lose as well, so in hindsight it was a bit silly of me to think that way. To make up for it, Naruto's now had his first kill, with plenty more to come, I'm sure.

Next time: Chunin Exams! Yay!


	8. A bad day for an exam

Computer issues sidelined me for a few weeks, but here we are again. Enjoy.

xxx

xxx

Chapter 8 - A Bad Day For an Exam

xxx

The first exam had been under way for a while now, and as to be expected, cheating was abundant. What wasn't expected, however, was just how blatant and openly the cheating taking place was, nor how no one was being caught doing it.

The reason no one was being caught was because the proctors, including the ones who were posing as genin, weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to the examinees.

The reason they weren't paying attention to the examinees was because they were too absorbed with staring at Ibiki.

They were staring at Ibiki because Ibiki was staring at Naruto.

Ibiki was staring at Naruto because Naruto was staring at Ibiki.

This had been going on for well over half an hour now, and neither person had blinked once. And while Naruto wasn't showing any outward signs of struggle or discomfort, Ibiki... well, let's just say that the other proctors were staring at him more out of concern that his head might actually explode than out of any sort of respect for his willpower.

Ibiki was indeed struggling. His eyes burned to high Hell, the color of his face had slowly progressed from his natural skin tone to tan to deep red to purple, and several veins were pulsing fiercely against his temples. But none of this mattered, so long as the boy gave in before he did.

Ibiki had heard all the tales (You'd be surprised how gossipy a group of interrogators could be during a game of Poker). He knew all about how three wet-nosed genin had earned a bloody and terrible reputation among the village. How anyone who gained their ire would typically wind up dead, or worse (and there was indeed 'worse'. Poor Ebisu). He was even willing to believe that some of those tales were true despite all logic to the contrary.

However, such tales didn't intimidate him. Hell, after everything he'd lived through at the hands of enemy shinobi, not to mention the equally nightmarish things he'd done to others in kind, there wasn't much of anything short of facing down a biju that could intimidate him.

And while he technically _was_ currently facing down a biju within the glassy-eyed blonde, that wasn't really here nor there. Because Ibiki had his pride, and pride dictated that he not allow himself to be punked out by a twelve year old.

And so, as the intense stare-down continued to hold the undivided attention of every proctor in the room, the cheating progressed unabated.

It had started off simple enough: occasional glances at the sheets of people sitting next to them, then casting of small, barely noticeable jutsus, then using various tools to spy easier on those who knew what they were doing. Cut and dry stuff, really.

That all changed rather quickly when Sakura pulled a gun from her basket, held it to the head of a boy from Amegakure sitting in front of her, and politely asked if he would switch papers with her.

The boy (and just about everyone else) had gaped in awe of her audaciously open actions, but when no admonishment came from the proctors (and with fresh memories of what the girl's teammates had done to that Oto team), he shakily passed his near completed paper back to her in exchange for her blank sheet.

No sooner had that incident ended did another boy burst into flames without warning. Sasuke casually watched as the unfortunate genin fell to the floor, already too far dead to even scream, then reached over and swiped his paper, erasing the name written at the top and writing his own in its place.

At this point it became quite apparent that the proctors were no longer doing their jobs, and all the genins decided to go ahead and screw subtlety.

A few teams gathered together and began comparing answers.

Temari pulled out a small hand fan and used it to create a gust of wind that scattered most of the papers in the room. Somehow, three nearly completed tests ended up in front of her and her brothers once the wind died down.

Neji continued writing as calmly as ever, stopping only briefly to calmly jab two fingers into the throat of a boy who was trying to peek over his shoulder.

Tenten lamented the time and effort she had already wasted on painstakingly tying that circle of mirrors to the ceiling, when it only took a few seconds to slap an explosive tag to the back of the girl sitting beside her and take her test while she was busy shrieking and flailing about trying to get it off. The idiot didn't seem to notice that Tenten hadn't actually activated the tag.

And so it went in that fashion: copying answers, stealing papers, stealing them back again, and removing other genin from contention (if not killing them outright), until all the genin who remained were satisfied with what they had. They then sat back and relaxed as best they could, waiting silently for the proctors to finally take notice.

Ten minutes later, the silence and tension was growing thick enough to walk on. The proctors, in their trance-like states, were sweating almost as much as Ibiki himself. No one moved or even appeared to be breathing as they watched their leader do psychological battle with the little blonde monster. No one was really certain what would happen if Ibiki failed to cow the child into submission, but none considered it a stretch to assume that grievous harm was likely.

And seeing that the boy was still as outwardly calm as ever, that assumption could very well be tested soon.

Ibiki, on the other hand, was suffering. His eyes had gone completely dry at this point, and the others were worried that if any more blood entered his head, it would start overflowing from his orifices. The snarl he was wearing was making his scarred face look even more sinister than it already was. He had even secretly performed a genjutsu that added a subtle aura of dread around him, and yet nothing was working! The little brat was still staring at him, pinning him in place with those awful, lifeless eyes, drawing him deeper and deeper into a black abyss filled with unending chaos and agony and hopelessness!

It was ridiculous that he, who had survived both a war and an extended stay in an Iwagakure torture chamber, could feel so powerless in the presence of Uzumaki Naruto, a child who had shown almost no shinobi aptitude at all in the academy.

He didn't know how it was possible, but it honestly didn't matter, just so long as he prevailed. His pride as a Konoha shinobi and his reputation as the hardest, most terrifying Interrogator in the village's history were on the line here. He would not be beaten. He could not be beaten!

The timer buzzed.

He blinked.

Naruto did not.

Three proctors fell to the floor with heart attacks while three others shrieked and began flinging kunai in random directions, hitting two students and another proctor disguised as a student.

As his colleagues continued giving Konoha nin a bad name, a disoriented Ibiki fell back against his seat, gasping for breath, holding his head and blinking furiously to re-moisturize his eyes. Had he really been stuck beneath that hideous gaze for the entire test? He hated to admit it, but he now believed every last one of those stories about the Demon Trio.

Slowly, he looked up, and couldn't stop the chill that ran down his spine. The damnable monster was still staring at him! Why? What did it want from him? Was it going to punish him for showing weakness? God, he wasn't going to wait around to find out! He had to get away. Away from the orange monster. Away from Those Eyes.

He struggled to his feet. "Those of you who are still here have advanced to the next round," he announced as he made his way to the door.

"But what about the final question?" someone asked.

His hand hovered over the doorknob. "There is no final question. This test was all about using your wits and the skills you've learned up to this point. The fact that you're still here and able to continue is proof enough of your worth as future chunin. ...Or something."

Team Ten hung their heads in misery. Ino had concluded that they wouldn't be able to simply quit without upsetting Sakura, so their best hope of getting out of this alive was to fail on purpose. Then the pinkette would (hopefully) be mad at the person who failed them instead. Therefore, none of them had bothered to answer a single question, and yet they were still advancing to the next round. Life really wasn't fair.

Ibiki left the room, leaving an awkward silence as the few proctors still on their feet began trying to help their incapacitated comrades.

Seconds later, the window on the wall to their left exploded inward, causing them to let out another round of high-pitched shrieks and fling another large volley of bladed weapons at the blurry figure who had appeared among the broken glass.

Thankfully, all that remained once the frenzy died down was the tattered remains of a large banner and a highly impaled log. The proctors responsible didn't even get to breath a sigh of relief before the sound of cracking knuckles behind them caused them all to tense up and turn upon their executioner.

"What the fuck," Mitarashi Anko snarled, yanking a kunai from her shoulder. "-is wrong with you?"

"Y-you startled us," one of the men stammered weakly.

"I told you not two hours ago that I was going to be doing that!"

"It was still very startling!" another insisted.

Anko continued her withering glare even as she swept her gaze across the room, counting the remaining genin, then focused back on her fellow jounin. "I am going to go send these kids off to their deaths, and when I get back I'm kicking your asses. And all of you had better be here, because if I have to go looking for you, it's going to be much worse."

Not waiting for a response, she faced the students and snapped her fingers; not that she didn't already have their undivided attention (most of them anyway, Naruto was still staring at Ibiki's empty chair). "Alright future corpses, follow me."

As the future corpses began following her out the building, Sasuke reached out and swatted Naruto across the head, making the stoic blonde jerk in surprise. How strange: It felt like he had only just sat down, and now everyone was leaving again. Had he blacked out? Could he have fallen asleep? He didn't think so; he could function just fine without sleep, after all. Then again, he could function just fine without eating, but he'd been doing plenty of that over the last week...

Oh well, his teammates were leaving him behind again, so he'd worry about it later. Not like a little sleep was going to hurt anyone.

xxx

"Welcome, poor doomed souls," Anko announced grandiosely. "to the Forest of Death, where most of you will undoubtedly be feeding the wildlife for the next few days."

The poor doomed souls stared at the entrance to the giant forest in trepidation. They could already feel the danger and eeriness of the place from where they were, and didn't even want to imagine what sort of horrors actually waited within.

"What are we feeding them?" someone asked before receiving two blows to the head from his teammates.

"Of course, not everything inside will be attempting to eat you," Anko continued. "Some will just be trying to kill you for encroaching upon their territory."

Several in the group shivered.

"And if your list of fetishes doesn't involve tentacles, I would suggest staying away from bodies of water and anything that resembles a giant mass of vines."

A much larger portion of the group shivered.

"Now then, your test." Anko reached into the pockets of her coat and pulled out a map and two scrolls. "You will all be traveling through the forest in order to reach this building in the center. Each of you will be carrying one of two scrolls: a Heaven Scroll or an Earth Scroll. You will have five days to reach the center of the forest carrying both a Heaven and Earth Scroll."

"So, we just have to find a team with a different scroll, kill them and take it?" Sakura asked.

Anko shook her head. "Actually, due to the already sever danger that the forest itself offers, it's been advised that lethal force not be used among examinees."

Everyone else breathed heavy sighs of relief. Sasuke scowled. Sakura looked like her puppy had just been killed. Naruto was too fixated on the team from Kusa to notice anything else.

Anko burst out laughing. "Oh man, I actually said it with a straight face! No, but seriously, kill the Hell out of each other. The less people there are, the quicker the rest of the exam goes."

Everyone's expressions did a one-eighty.

"Don't joke about things like that!" Sakura cried. "I almost shot you!"

"Well, aren't you precious," Anko replied, ruffling the girl's hair. "But save the shooting for people who don't matter." The special jounin turned to the rest of the pack. "All right, worm chow, enough standing around! You've got your scrolls, you've got five days, so get moving!"

As the worm chow bravely whimpered and cowered their way into the forest, Sasuke and Sakura strolled and skipped respectively in with them, dragging Naruto behind them. Before disappearing from sight, Naruto looked back over his shoulder at the Kusa team, who were bringing up the rear.

Two of the teammates shuddered at his glance.

The third one grinned.

xxx

xxx

Next Chapter: ...


	9. Omake: How it Happened?

So here it is. After several months, the moment I know you've all been waiting for:

A filler chapter! Yay!

xxx

Chapter 8 1/2: How it Happened?

xxx

Keiko's Bar sits just left of center in Konoha's business district. It's not a truly remarkable bar by any means; the service is a bit slow, the atmosphere is dull and anything from the bottom two shelves might as well be varied combinations of sweat and urine as far as taste goes.

The only thing that really set the place apart from any of the other bars in the area was that about a month ago, the owner made the risky decision of extending Happy Hour by two additional hours. Such a thing would have been disastrous had it not coincided with the appearance of three young genin who could drive an entire village to drink. And drink they certainly did.

Two people who currently happened to be drinking at Keiko's were the aforementioned genin's former teacher, Umino Iruka, and their (hopefully) soon-to-be former teacher, Hatake Kakashi.

"They weren't always like this, you know?" Iruka said out of the blue. "They used to be so... normal."

"Mh-hm," Kakashi sort of agreed through gulps of lager.

"I mean, honestly, what could have happened to change them so drastically in such a short amount of time?" the academy instructor continued. "Naruto used to be so loud and obnoxious, you couldn't get him to sit still for anything. And Sakura was always so straight-laced and responsible, always following the rules like the perfect student. And Sasuke... well to be honest, aside from the increased bloodlust, Sasuke isn't all that different."

"He did learn how to play the guitar," Kakashi mentioned.

"Ah, well... that's something."

Suddenly, a very drunk chunin fell into the chair beside them. "I'll tell you what I think happened."

xxx

The three students had been sitting under the tree, waiting for their new sensei to show up for nearly an hour now. Sasuke was bored, not that he would tell anyone that. Sakura was bored. Naruto was drawing things in the dirt, which probably meant he was bored as well.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Sakura finally asked, having grown irritated of the boy's fidgeting and mumbling to himself.

"Testing out some seals that I learned from the Forbidden Scroll," he answered, not looking up from his work.

Both his teammates gawked at him. "What?"

"You didn't hear after I failed the genin tests, Mizuki-sensei told me that if I could steal the Hokage's Forbidden Scroll and learn one of the jutsus in it, he'd make me a genin?"

"And you actually bought that?" Sasuke questioned.

Naruto grimaced. "I was desperate, shut up! Anyway, while I was waiting for him to find me, I looked through the scroll and found all these different things that I think were supposed to be seals of some kind. It said that if you activated them, they'd give you all kinds of special powers. So, I copied a bunch of them down and thought I'd see if they work before sensei gets here."

Curious, Sakura moved to look over Naruto's shoulder at what he was drawing. "BB2D-1FF6? Up up down down left right- Naruto, these are not seals! They're just a bunch of numbers, letters and arrows!"

"I know that, but they still work! Or, at least the one I tried out the other night worked. It let me jump super high!"

"We can already jump super high if you use your chakra properly," Sakura informed him.

"No, I mean SUPER high! Like I tried to jump on top of this old shed but I completely overshot it and hit my head on a branch at the top of a tree."

Sakura was still staring at him like he were some kind of moron, but couldn't deny the sliver of intrigue that was building within. "So... what are these seals supposed to do then?"

Naruto scratched his head in thought, then pointed to one of the seals. "Well, the scroll wasn't very detailed about them, but this one here is supposed to help you gain experience faster."

"What kind of experience?" Sasuke asked, slightly irritated at himself for feeling any amount of interest in something that Naruto was talking about.

The blonde shrugged. "Ninja experience, I guess." He pointed to another. "And this one here gives you infinite HP."

"What does HP stand for?" Sakura demanded.

Naruto shrugged again. "Beats me, but you get as much of it as you want, so it must be something good. Oh, and this last one unlocks special weapons."

"...Unlocks?" Sasuke repeated.

"Naruto, none of this makes any sense at all!"

"Yeah, but it's ninjutsu, it doesn't have to make sense! I mean, it's not like you can explain how a person can breath giant fireballs, right?"

"Yes, we can!" they both shouted together, causing Naruto to blink in surprise.

"Oh. Well... can you explain how a human can transform itself into something of a much different size without compromising their own body matter? Or transform into an inanimate object but still keep their sentience?"

Sakura and Sasuke's jaws went slack.

"Can't do it, huh?" Naruto smirked.

Sakura shook her head. "I... sorry, I was just struck speechless by hearing something that intelligent come out of your mouth."

Not certain whether or not he'd just been insulted, Naruto ignored the comment all together. "So do you want to try them out with me, or not?"

"...How do you use them?"

"Sasuke-kun! You actually want to try this?" Sakura demanded.

Sasuke gave her a hard look. "Faster ninja experience, Sakura."

"But- but... but what if something goes wrong and we all end up with... giant heads, or something?"

Naruto and Sasuke shared bemused looks. "That's weird, Sakura-chan," Naruto told her.

"Oh whatever!" she grumped, throwing her hands up. "Let's try it, I guess. But if something goes horribly wrong, I'm kicking your ass, Naruto!"

"Hey!"

"I'll help," Sasuke assured her.

"You two are jerks," Naruto mumbled. "Okay, so we just need to pump some chakra into the seals I've made. Ready?"

His teammates shared one last dubious glance before all three placed their hands on top of the seals, and seconds later found themselves engulfed in a blinding light-

xxx

"Let me just stop you right there," Kakashi interrupted. "-and tell you that no such seals, jutsu or magic spells exist in the Forbidden Scroll."

"...Oh. Well, it sounded good in my head," the man said as he stumbled back to his chair.

Iruka ordered another round of drinks just as Ibiki entered the bar and sat down on the opposite side of Kakashi. The two men watched as he grabbed both drinks and downed them effortlessly one after the other.

"You too, huh?" Iruka asked as the older man caught his breath.

"Horrible... lifeless... soul-piercing... eyes," the interrogator whimpered.

Kakashi patted him on the shoulder. "Welcome, brother."

Ibiki finished off a third pint just as swiftly as the first two and shook his head. "How did this happen?"

"We were just discussing that," Iruka informed him.

"They're nightmares, is what they are. It's almost as if... as if..."

xxx

The three students had been sitting under the tree, waiting for their new sensei to show up for nearly an hour now. Sasuke was bored, not that he would tell anyone that. Sakura was bored. Naruto was asleep, which probably meant he was bored as well.

But no sooner had he drifted out of consciousness did he awaken to find himself standing in a darkened tunnel staring up at a giant cage. He barely had time to take in his new surroundings or wonder how the Hell he'd gotten there when an enormous pair of eyes appeared from the other side of the bars, gazing down at him. An equally large maw stretched open in a demonic smirk.

"Hi," the creature greeted.

Naruto was justifiably confused by this. "Er... hi."

"Wanna play a game?" the thing asked.

Even more confused, Naruto tilted his head to the side and thought about it. "Sssure?"

Several lightning bolts of red chakra shot out of the cage without warning, hitting the boy and suspending him in the air for several agonizing seconds before ending just as suddenly as it started, leaving him on his back, unmoving and staring glassy-eyed toward the ceiling.

"There, wasn't that fun?" the demon asked as more chakra began creeping toward the downed boy. "Now then..."

Back in the physical world...

"Why is Naruto glowing?" Sasuke asked.

"Wha-?" Sakura barely got out before they were all engulfed in a blinding light-

xxx

"I'm pretty sure that's not the case," Kakashi interrupted. "The Hokage checked the seal not long after the first incident; said it was still in perfect condition."

Ibiki gulped down his latest mug. "Well, that's all I can think of."

"You know," Iruka spoke up after a few minutes of silence. "Yamanaka Ino always seems really terrified when those three are around."

"As opposed to everyone else?" Kakashi snarked.

"Well, I meant more so than everyone else, but... what I mean is, you don't suppose...?"

xxx

Ino was slowly and silently freaking out as she dashed back home. Thinking back on it now, it had easily been one of the stupidest things she'd ever done in her life. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time, though.

All she'd wanted to do was use her family's Mind Jutsus to somehow switch Naruto's mind with Sasuke's; that way when Naruto (in Sasuke's body) started pestering Sakura, she'd think it was really Sasuke and have no reason to believe him if he told her he was really Naruto. She'd then get irritated and decide that Sasuke wasn't worth her time. Then Ino could switch their minds back and have Sasuke all to herself! She may have only been twelve years old, but even she could tell that such a plan was fucking foolproof!

Or at least, it could have been if she hadn't messed up and switched Naruto's mind with Sakura instead, causing her to have to try again which led to Sakura being inside Sasuke and he inside Naruto. This continued in a similar fashion for about five minutes until she was sure they were all back in their proper bodies, with the trio being understandably confused and distraught the entire time. Unfortunately, the constant shuffling had apparently fried the team's brains by this point, as Naruto lay silently on the ground staring off at nothing while Sasuke and Sakura sat and laughed quietly to themselves-

xxx

"Our family jutsus don't work that way," Yamanaka Inoichi called out from the table behind them.

"Besides, that still wouldn't explain how Sakura can pull a bazooka out of a picnic basket," Kakashi added.

Iruka shrugged. "Just a thought."

Silence fell over the bar again before Iruka and Ibiki turned to Kakashi.

"What?" the masked man asked.

"You're the one who's most familiar with them now," Ibiki pointed out. "What do you think did this to them?"

Kakashi sat back and stared at the ceiling. "What do I think?"

xxx

The three students had been sitting under the tree, waiting for their new sensei to show up for nearly an hour now. They were all bored; I'm sure you get that by now. They all perked up when they saw someone appear before them, but quickly realized that it wasn't their sensei. The new arrival was a tall, thin man with long, unruly hair and wire-rimmed glasses who-

Team Seven groaned. "What do you want, Legacy?" Naruto demanded.

The man blinked at the harsh greeting. "Well that's a fine how-do-you-do. I just came to talk to you guys about an idea for a story-"

"No thanks," Sakura stated.

"Waste of time," Naruto agreed.

"Fucking fanscript writers," Sasuke growled.

Legacy gaped in confusion. "Wait, what did I ever do that was so horrible?"

"Turned me into a drunken, pathetic slob!" Sasuke shouted.

"I did that for comedy!"

"Put me in a gangbang with Akatsuki!" Sakura added.

"The gangbang was only _implied_!"

"You keep abandoning your stories before I get the chance to score with whichever hot girl you set me up with in them!" Naruto accused angrily.

"...Well, in my defense, Sexplosion did get picked up by another writer. And I'm not here to talk about any of those things anyway! This is a new idea; you'll love it, I promise!"

There was several seconds of grumbling but nothing more, so he took it as a sign to continue.

"Okay, you know those scripts where Naruto gets super-overpowered and is basically able to do whatever he wants with no one being able to stop him?"

Sakura and Sasuke glared fiercely at their blonde teammate.

"It's not like _I'm_ the one writing them!" Naruto defended himself.

"But then at the same time," Legacy continued. "-his attitude and personality change so much that he basically becomes a completely different character?"

Now even Naruto was glaring.

"I figured I could make a parody of that and take things to their next logical step by literally turning you into different characters. Mostly anyway, you'd still look the same physically."

"Hate it," Sasuke grumbled without hesitation.

Sakura nodded. "Yeah, just sounds like another chance for Naruto to be super special awesome while Sasuke and I get treated like... did you say '_characters_'?"

"Yep."

"As in: You'd make all three of us overpowered, not just Naruto?"

"Yep."

"I'm in!"

Naruto shrugged. "If Sakura's in, I guess I am, too."

All three turned to Sasuke.

"I fucking hate fanfiction," he growled again.

"Come on, Sasuke-kun," Sakura begged. "How often do I get to be the badass in one of these? I _need_ this!"

Sasuke took a few more seconds to brood in silence before turning to Legacy. "Bashing?"

"None," the man assured him.

"Am I going to die?"

"Highly unlikely. Overpowered, remember?"

"...Can I have more lines than Naruto?"

"Freakin' prima donna," Naruto muttered under his breath.

Legacy scratched the back of his head. "Yes, yes you can."

Sasuke heaved a massive sigh. "Fine."

"All right then!" Legacy said happily as Sakura pumped her fist. "I'll get on it immediately."

"This better be worth it," Sasuke told him.

"And don't abandon it partway through like all your other stuff!" Naruto added.

Firmly ignoring the remarks, Legacy clapped his hands, and everyone present was engulfed in a blinding light.

xxx

Iruka and Ibiki stared at Kakashi, mouths agape.

"How drunk are you right now?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi shrugged. "You can't tell me it makes any less sense than either of your ideas."

"I don't think we'll ever learn how it happened," Ibiki admitted after a brief silence. "Unless someone feels up to asking one of them about it?"

"No thanks," they both replied as one.

Kakashi sighed. "Honestly, I don't care how it happened, just so long as I don't have to deal with them anymore."

"Once they become chunin, they'll be leaving the village a lot more often," Iruka pointed out encouragingly.

"The missions should take a lot longer, too," Ibiki added.

"And I won't have to go with them," Kakashi concluded, smiling despite himself.

"That is so long as nothing happens to disrupt the exams and void their chances, of course," Iruka considered.

Silent dread crept up their spines.

They ordered another round.

xxx

xxx

Seriously though: The Orochimaru chapter will be out shortly. Hopefully sometime over the next two weeks assuming no real life crisis comes up in the meantime.

**By the way:** I know a lot of people have asked me in the past about a link to **The Fanfiction Forum** where the challenge for this story originated from. Sadly, due to various reasons, the owner of the forum decided to lock the place out about a year ago, which means that the forum won't accept new members anymore, and you can't view the forum if you're not a member. This unfortunately means that if you weren't already a member of TFF before the lockdown, then there's nothing I can do for you. Sorry.

I can, however, direct your attention to another author on this site named **Highvalour **who has been writing his own version of a 'Overpowered Crossover-Character Team 7' fic. It's part of his 'Who Needs the Kyuubi! and other random ideas' fic, starting at chapter 7. Give it a look if you feel like it.

Til next time,

LL


	10. Orochimaru has a bad day

Happy Thanksgiv- *Sees calendar* -Shit!

Sorry, I wasn't expecting this chapter to be nearly as long as it turned out to be. If it seems a bit rushed in some places it's probably because I've been forcing myself to finish it before the holidays get here. Hopefully it's not too bad.

As always, big thanks to all the readers and reviewers, sorry again if I missed responding to you.

And now (for real this time), the moment you've all been waiting for!

xxx

xxx

The Hokage stood on the top balcony of his tower, watching over his village. Something was nagging at him; making him quite nervous, though he couldn't seem to pinpoint what exactly it was.

He knew it wasn't the Demon Trio, because he could recognize that feeling in a heartbeat nowadays. The Chunin Exams were running smoothly from what he had heard; sure, some kids had died horribly, but that's what becoming a chunin was all about really.

He'd finished all his paperwork a few hours ago while eating lunch at his desk, so he was pretty sure there were no urgent documents that he'd neglected. He was ninety-nine percent certain he'd turned the stove off after eating, and the lack of smoke helped confirm that.

His eyes widened. Where had he last seen his copy of Icha Icha Violence? He hadn't accidentally slipped it into the box of peace offerings he'd sent off to Kirigakure, had he? Dashing back inside, he inspected the area around his desk, breathing a sigh of relief upon finding the book in question under his chair. That certainly would have made for an awkward future summit meeting.

But even with that crisis averted, the feeling of unease remained. Something was amiss in his village, but even as he returned to his vigil on the balcony, he simply couldn't figure out what it could be. He knew that the feeling was familiar from somewhere, but where... who?

"Sir, emergency!" a nameless jounin shouted upon Shunshin'ing onto the balcony. "We've received word that Orochimaru has infiltrated the village!"

"Thank you!" Hiruzen cried, letting out a sigh or relief. "God, that's been driving me crazy for nearly an hour now! Yes, that's definitely what I was sensing!"

"Glad to uh, help, Sir. ...What would you have us do?"

"Well, the smart thing would be to gather up a squad and track him down as soon as possible," Hiruzen said calmly.

"But Sir, according to Anko he's somewhere in the Forest of Death. As big as that place is, where would we even begin to start looking?"

A ground shaking explosion cut off any response the Hokage might have made. Turning toward the forest, the two men easily spotted the mushroom cloud rising high into the sky. Hiruzen wasted no time in moving away from the balcony's edge, so that he was standing underneath the awning. The nameless jounin didn't bother to follow his lead until the first piece of gore rained down on his head with a loud splat. Quickly joining the Hokage, the two watched as more dirt, rock, wood, flaming rubble, blood and bloody chunks continued to fall all around the village.

Once the hideous rain began to let up, the jounin moved to look back out, only for Hiruzen to stop him with a hand on his shoulder. His look of confusion vanished an instant later when something enormous crashed to the ground right in front of the tower. Giving the okay, the two moved back to the ledge (being careful not to step in anything) and peered over, finding themselves staring down at the titanic disembodied head of a giant purple serpent. It wasn't quite as big as the Hokage knew Manda the Serpent King to be, but it was still huge all the same. The purple snake's jaws snapped futilely at the empty air twice before going still.

The Hokage and the jounin stared calmly and in slack-jawed awe respectively for several seconds, then simultaneously turned their eyes back to the still rising mushroom cloud miles off in the distance.

"I believe there would be a good place to start," Hiruzen stated, causing the man to shiver weakly.

"W-what about you, Sir?" the jounin asked.

"I'll be along shortly. There's something important that I need to do first. You and the others go on ahead."

"...Do I have to?"

"Get going."

Hanging his head, the jounin reluctantly Shunshin'ed away, leaving the Hokage alone with his thoughts once again.

"As if I would be stupid enough to get involved in a fight between those four," he muttered calmly to himself. "I didn't live this long making horrible decisions like that."

He glanced around at his village and back down again to the giant snake head.

"This is going to be a real bitch for someone else to clean up."

xxx

Surprisingly, the damage at ground zero was relatively small. Apparently the extra-thick scales of the giant snake had done a good job of suppressing the explosion of the bomb that had gone off inside of it, causing the blast to be directed mostly upward rather than outward.

Mostly.

Sasuke slowly pulled himself out from under a pile of rubble and glared up at Sakura, who was hanging from a tree branch by the end of her red skirt. "Was that really necessary?" he shouted over the ringing in his ears.

The pinkette shrugged, trying to rearrange herself without losing hold of her basket or falling out of her dress. "Well, the stupid thing ate Naruto-kun. How else was I supposed to get him back out?"

"Where is he?" Sasuke asked, searching for but not seeing his other teammate.

"I think that's him in the crater," Sakura answered, pointing down toward the newly made hole where the tail end of the snake carcass still remained.

Walking over to the crater, Sasuke stared down and spotted Naruto, blood-stained and a little singed, slowly crawling his way to the top. "Didn't even drop the lantern," he muttered with a modicum of respect. "Hey idiot! Be more careful next time, those explosions hurt my ears!"

Had Naruto held the emotional capacity for it, he probably would have flipped Sasuke off.

"Yes, that was rather deafening, wasn't it?"

The three chunin hopefuls looked around, trying to pinpoint where the unfamiliar voice was coming from. Sakura spotted him first; an older man, his long black hair dangling below him as he stood upside-down from a tree branch not far away from her. He was staring into the crater, his face contemplatively blank.

"I had a feeling that the three of you could end up causing trouble for me-" He Shunshin'ed away just as the tree he was hanging from exploded.

"Damnit, I missed again!" Sakura whined, glaring at the grenade-launcher in her hands. "You are worthless," she grumbled as she tossed the weapon away.

"But I have to admit that I never expected _this_ amount of trouble," the man said from his new position on another tree, which he also had to vacate in a flash before a blue fireball burned a perfect circle through the trunk. He reappeared on the ground.

"And now I'm going to have to try to explain to Manda why one of his sons is painting a forest in Konoha," he continued unhindered, sounding more like he was talking to himself than his audience. He frowned, formed a chain of seals and raised a giant demonic gate from the ground. The swarm of purple wraiths that were flying toward him vanished harmlessly against the gate, which crumbled away a moment later.

"Would you all mind allowing me to finish speaking before launching any more attacks at me, please?" he asked, finally starting to show some irritation in his voice.

"Why would we want to do that?" Sakura asked, pulling out a more reliable semi-automatic from her basket.

"Are you not even the least bit curious as to why I'm attacking you? Or who I even am, for that matter?"

"I assumed it was because you wanted us to kill you," Sasuke told him. "And why should I care who a dead man is?"

The pale man smirked. "Ah, but you should care more than anyone, Uchiha Sasuke, because you're the one I'm here for."

Sasuke's bland expression didn't change. "Okay. ...Are we free to attack you now?"

Orochimaru sighed. "Children these days..." Without warning, he Shunshin'ed again, appearing next to Sakura and delivered a kick that embedded her into a nearby tree trunk.

"Ooow~! You play rough!" she cried, sending a spray of bullets back his way. All of them hit, but revealed him to be a simple mud clone that crumbled away.

On the ground, Sasuke activated his Sharingan and barely avoided the kick that came from behind him. Charging a Raikiri into his fist, he sharpened it to a bladed point and swung it out in a wide arc, missing his enemy's neck and only managing to shave off a couple inches of black hair. In response, the man formed a seal and a long black snake shot out from his sleeve, wrapping itself around Sasuke's outstretched arm. It incinerated before it could so much as bare its fangs when Sasuke's forearm flashed blue, which had the unfortunate side-effect of canceling out his Raikiri.

"Figures that would be too awesome to be practical," he grumbled, sending another gout of intense flame at his enemy, which was avoided once again. As he tried to chase down the slippery ninja, he felt something wrap around his leg. Looking down, he found that the snake he'd incinerated had reformed from its ashes.

"That's different," he muttered, jerking his leg to no avail. Despite being made of ash, the creature was surprisingly durable.

"It is, isn't it?" Orochimaru asked conversationally as he walked back toward him, casually deflecting bullets from Sakura with a kunai as he did so. "Just a little something I created some time ago. I call it an Ashp."

"...I can't tell what's worse: The name itself, or how proud you sound for thinking of-" He didn't get to finish before a sharp blow sent him skidding across the ground and into the crater.

"Yes well, everyone's a critic, aren't they?" the older man commented. He idly tossed his kunai behind him, the weapon bursting into multiple copies causing the recovered Sakura to dive for cover. "Well, I've had my fun. I suppose it's time I get down to business. ...What am I forgetting here?"

"Doink!"

A fraction of an inch was all that separated him from a crippling stab in the back. Fortunately, a Kawarimi log took that stab wound for him.

"Ah, right. You," he said from his spot behind the blond boy, who turned to face him. "Quite the little terror you must be, if the stories I've heard are true."

Naruto merely stared at him.

Orochimaru stared back at Naruto.

Naruto stared.

Orochimaru stared.

Neither moved.

Neither blinked.

The Snake Sage smirked. That had been almost a little too simple. Honestly, it was never this easy to get someone to look into his eyes long enough to cast this particular genjutsu; a genjutsu he'd modeled after Uchiha Itachi's accursed Tsukuyomi. The boy hadn't even tried to fight it off during their little stare down. In fact, he didn't seem to have noticed it was happening at all. What a shame, and now the boy was trapped within his own mind, lost in a world of nightmares built upon his own greatest fears and traumas, an illusion world that would only grow worse and worse the longer he remained in it until his mind finally snapped under the unrelenting torment-

"Doink!"

"The fuc-!" This time the knife came within millimeters of piercing flesh before he managed to avoid it, and that was only because he'd literally fallen backward in shock and thankfully out of the boy's reach. He backpedaled away from the creepy child as he tried to regain his composure.

How in the crimson bloody Hell had he broken that genjutus so easily? Everyone else that he'd ever tested it on had either gone halfway insane before they broke it, or didn't break it at all and went completely insane! Even Kabuto had needed a good two minutes before shaking off the effects, and yet this boy does it effortlessly? For the jutsu to have so little effect, the boy would have had to literally feel no fear and no pain whatsoever, and despite the fact that he was a biju-

BANG!

"Gah! Son of a bitch!" he howled, clutching at his left shoulder, which now sported a sizable hole in it. Growling, he twisted his body and fired a Daitoppa toward the red-clad bitch that had finally managed to tag him. The girl held strong against the hurricane-force winds; the tree she was standing on, however, did not.

"Daaamn yooouuu!" she shouted as she was blown out of sight among several broken trees.

Without wasting another moment, Orochimaru puked out a long sword, spun around and began slashing through the new wave of wraiths Naruto was sending his way. The legendary blade succeeded in vanquishing each one of the vengeful spirits, but it also kept him occupied enough for Sasuke to appear behind him and bury his sharpened claws deep into his neck.

"What do you think, freak?" the Uchiha asked. "Medium rare or charred black?"

The pale man smirked, twisted his head all the way around, and extended his neck far enough to latch his teeth onto Sasuke's neck in one fell swoop. The boy snarled in pain as a seal formed on the skin under the man's mouth.

Orochimaru's smirk widened in satisfaction. Things hadn't gone exactly as planned, and the team of children had wound up being even more dangerous than he'd thought, but he'd accomplished what he'd come here for nonetheless. Now, he just needed to make a quick retreat, get a new disguise, wait for the Curse Seal to work it's magic, and then...

How did Sasuke still have his hands around his throat when he should be writhing in agony on the ground? Releasing his bite, he tilted back far enough to see a very malicious grin on the boy's face. The glowing, empty eyes were a bit disconcerting as well.

**"Charred black it is then,"** he growled as Orochimaru's entire body ignited in blue fire.

He didn't scream the way most were wont to do when set on fire, but he did thrash wildly before breaking Sasuke's grip on his neck and scrambling to put some distance between them. He then brought his hands up to his mouth, stretched it out and pulled down, peeling the flesh off his body and revealing new, uninjured skin and clothing underneath.

"This... is not how... this should be going," he groaned, gasping for breath and leaning against his Kusanagi as he glared at Sasuke. The boy was hunched over even further than usual, his flaming hands nearly touching the ground and his body trembling in pain or, more likely, fury. The deranged smirk and and bright glow in his eyes were still present, but what really got his attention was the steam coming from his neck, where the newly placed Curse Seal was rapidly dissolving away into nothing, as if it had never been there to begin with.

He was also laughing a very foreboding laugh, but that was temporarily ignored in favor of wondering how the Goddamn Hell his Curse Seal had been rendered completely ineffectual against the one person he needed it used on the most!

"Doi-"

"Cut that shit out!" he bellowed, side-stepping the knife and whirling around to slice a deep gash from shoulder to hip into the young demon who had crept up behind him yet again. Blood sprayed from the grievous wound, but Naruto didn't fall, so Orochimaru lifted him by the neck of his robe and flung him head-first into the nearest tree.

Satisfied that the boy would surely stay down after that, Orochimaru was now free to focus on the excruciating pain in his side, where it felt like someone had just tore away a chunk of flesh with a burning hot-

"AUUGH!"

On the bright side, the flaming talons had cauterized the wound, so at least he wouldn't bleed out. He'd have to be thankful for that once he finished murdering these little shits. In the meantime, he swiped his sword through the air toward his intended target, and hit nothing but air.

**"Suffer!"**

Another burning pain spread across his shoulder blades, almost causing him to drop his sword. In an act of frustration (and certainly not desperation) he Shunshin'ed into a tree to get some breathing room. What he got instead was a maniacal face already there, waiting for him.

**"Burn to cinders!" **he snarled, slashing at him again.

Orochimaru dodged, just barely, and a large chunk of the tree trunk beside him burst into flames. The boy was somehow much faster than he had been during their first little scrimmage. If he hadn't known better, he'd almost think that the Curse Seal had worked in raising the brat's abilities. But since he'd seen the seal vanish with his own eyes, he had to conclude that something else was augmenting the boy's strength and speed.

**"Bleed for me!"**

The Oto leader's sword flashed three times, scoring what should have been debilitating cuts into Sasuke's arm and chest, before he jumped to a higher branch. Sasuke followed immediately, unaware or just uncaring of his own wounds. How irritating. Not only was the boy shutting out pain, but those white-hot flames were a problem, as well. His skin was always extra sensitive right after using his Skin Shedding Jutsu, and heat was the worst thing for it. With the boy's entire arms shrouded in flames, it made counter-attacking somewhat difficult when he couldn't put any breathing room between them.

**"Show me your insides!"**

On top of that, he still wanted Sasuke's body, so he couldn't risk damaging it too badly anyway. With the Curse Seal proving useless, he needed to come up with some other way to not only incapacitate the Uchiha, but also insure that he would seek him out at the proper time. There was always bribery, he supposed, but considering the boy's current mental state, that probably wouldn't be an option either.

**"_Give me a hug!_"**

Orochimaru accidentally paused in mid-leap. "What?"

Then Sasuke was on him. **"_And_ _die_."**

And then he was on fire.

On fire, and plummeting.

On fire, plummeting, in great pain, and wondering what the Hell sort of training the academy had starting drilling the children through in the time since he'd left. Because this? This was some bullshit.

And now, to really add insult to injury, there was an annoying beeping sound right by his ear. He tried to ignore it in favor of attempting to snuff out his burning flesh and breaking his fall, but the beeps only increased in volume and frequency. Turning his head, he found himself staring at several small, spherical metal objects; red lights blinking in time with the beeps coming from them. Looking to his other side, he found more of the same. And, with a sense of impending doom, he looked back up to where he had fallen from.

Sitting on a branch, her legs swinging beneath her and a not-so-happy grin on her bloodied face, was Sakura. And in her raised hand was a small remote.

"Shannaro, motherfucker!" she called down, pressing the detonator.

"I hate this village," he muttered just before his world became a chain of explosions, blasting him left, right, up and finally down to the ground, where he lay twitching, bleeding, smoking and charred inside his own personal crater.

Okay, screw the new body; all three of them were going to have to die. Painfully. Horribly. Sinisterly. There just was no two ways around it anymore. Damned to high Hell if he was going to allow this humiliation to continue. The pain that they were going to experience was going to be legendary. He might even be able to coin a new term for it. Yes, before long, whenever someone witnessed a man getting eviscerated beyond all recognition, he would turn to his companion and proclaim "Damn, that guy just got Team Seven'ed!"

...

"I think one of those explosions may have given me a concussion," he muttered weakly. "I don't usually go into rants like that to myself." All the more reason to kill the children brutally and get the Hell out of here before something else went wrong.

That's when the vengeful wraiths reappeared.

xxx

Meanwhile, not so far away...

"Sooo..."

"Yeah?"

"It sounds like all the explosions have stopped, and I'm not hearing any more yelling. Do you think we ought to go see what's happening now?"

"...Huu, yeah, I suppose we should probably-"

A bloodcurdling scream ripped through the relative silence of the forest.

"-wait another five minutes and then go check it out."

"Sounds good."

"Yep."

The three jounin sat back down on a fallen log, waiting for the fireworks to die down so that they could go in and assist.

Assist by identifying the bodies, of course.

A few seconds later, they all fell over backwards as someone leapt into the clearing in front of them.

"What the Hell are you three doing here?" a disheveled Anko demanded.

Having been caught flatfooted in not following orders handed down by the Hokage, the three men could only stammer out unintelligible excuses.

"Okay, let's try an easier question," the Special Jounin growled. "Why are you over here when you should be helping to catch Orochimaru over there?"

The very same unintelligible mumbles played again until one of them actually came up with something to say. "Well, why aren't you over there?"

"I _was_!" she shouted, making them all stumble backward again. "I got there just in time to see Pinky shove a bomb the size of me down a giant snake's throat, and then I woke up a mile away under a pile of branches and snake intestines!"

The men grimaced. "Gross."

"You'll think 'gross' if you don't get your collective asses over there right now!" Anko assured them. "Because if Orochimaru escapes I'm going to tie you down and force-feed them to you!"

Properly cowed, the three turned and headed off to almost certain doom, Anko following with grim determination.

xxx

The trio sat peacefully; Sakura humming softly and rocking her basket in her lap, Sasuke with his head held in his hands, and Naruto's dead-end gaze again focused on his lantern. One would almost think they hadn't just finished a grueling battle to the death with one of the most powerful men to ever come out of Konohagakure.

"Did we ever find out who that guy was?" Sakura wondered aloud, making Sasuke growl and lower his head further.

"Quiet. Headache."

Naruto, of course, said nothing, so Sakura shrugged and went back to humming before something else came to mind. "You know, in all this excitement, I forgot what we were supposed to be doing."

"Hn," Sasuke muttered.

Naruto stood up and began walking away, which was odd until she looked down and saw that the ground they were sitting on was glowing red. "Uh-oh."

Sasuke looked up. "What's 'uh-oh'?"

The answer came in the form of a red pillar of light surging with black lightning shooting out of the ground, missing Sakura by inches but catching Sasuke dead-center. The Uchiha writhed and convulsed in mid-air for several seconds before the jutsu ended and dropped him motionlessly to the ground.

Sakura didn't even have time to reach for a gun before Orochimaru himself burst out of the ground, one hand already forming seals, while the other hand hurled the Kusanagi like a javelin toward Naruto. The force behind the throw was so great that not only did it impale him straight through the chest, it also lifted and carried him backward until he was pinned securely to a tree trunk. The young demon spasmed once before going limp.

Not wasting a second, the Snake Sage finished his seals and pressed his palms to the ground, causing two large sheets of solid rock to jut up on either side of the startled Sakura. Then he clapped his hands together.

"Ah, crap," was all the girl got out before being sandwiched between the two rocks.

Orochimaru clapped three more times-

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

-and then lowed his hands back down, sending the rock back into the Earth, taking Sakura along with them.

Taking one last look around to ensure that none of the monsters would be getting back up any time soon, Orochimaru dropped to his hands and knees in exhaustion, trying to get his ragged breathing under control. Either he was getting old, or the young ones were getting better as the years went on. Kabuto was going to receive one Hell of a beating for failing to keep him up to date on these three, that was for damn sure.

This whole excursion had been a nightmare and complete waste of time on top of it. Sasuke had rendered his Curse Seal useless, Manda was going to be pissed over his offspring's death, which would mean no more snake summoning until the big guy calmed down, everyone in the village would surely know he was here by now and would be on the look out for him, and most insultingly of all, he'd gotten his ass kicked by a trio of preteens! He was going to have to kill any possible witnesses before leaving, because if word of this humiliation should somehow reach Tsunade or Jiraiya he would never be able to face them again.

His entire body ached, his skin was blistered and bloodied, and he honestly didn't know if he had the chakra reserves left to perform a second Skin Shedding and still have enough left over to make good on his escape. His best bet for the time being would be to find a secluded place to hide out for a few days, and then get back to the more pressing matters at hand once he recovered.

That in mind, the Snake Sage staggered back to his feet and walked over to retrieve Kusanagi, which was still pinning the blonde boy's corpse to the tree. He had known the moment he recognized the boy for who he really was that he could be trouble, but he hadn't expected anything like this. Those wraiths had hurt to high Hell, and he never would have guessed it would take so much effort to kill the little bastard.

Having thought that, he was really glad that no one was around to hear him scream like a child when the 'corpse' lifted its head up to stare at him.

"How!?" he demanded while backpedaling away from the boy. "What- you shouldn't- that sword is _clearly_ impaling you through the heart! You should be dead!"

In clear defiance to what the man was saying, Naruto lifted his two ever-present weapons and began walking forward. Unfortunately, he didn't make it far before running into the hilt of the sword and, with the blade buried so deeply in the tree, impeding him from going any further.

Orochimaru took a moment to consider his options. He could simply cut his loses (his horrible, horrible loses), and beat a swift retreat before Sarutobi or anyone else showed up, then regroup and wait for a new opportunity...

On the other hand, he really liked Kusanagi and would hate to have to leave it behind. But to remove it would mean freeing the immortal child, and then he... then he...

Immortal.

Now there was an idea. True, the boy didn't have the Sharingan that he wanted, but the ability to brush off impalement through the heart as a minor inconvenience did seem like a nice trade-off. The only question was how he was going to incapacitate the little monster long enough to get him safely to Oto. Not to mention doing it without anyone spotting him-

"Orochimaru!"

"Oh, Goddamnit!" he hissed, turning to face the newly arrived jounin and his former protege.

As the two sides faced off, none of them noticed as Naruto gave up the futile effort of pushing past the sword hilt. Instead, he slipped his knife back into his robe and slung the ring-handle of the lantern around his wrist.

Then he raised his hands and formed a seal.

The pre-fight greetings between missing-nin and Konoha nin were cut short by an all-consuming explosion of smoke. Thankfully, it dissipated quickly enough. Unfortunately, the sight they beheld next caused Orochimaru's pupils to shrink down to pinpricks and his jaw to go completely slack. It also caused the three male jounin to scream, soil themselves, and pass out.

Anko held her reactions to a respectable stunned silence.

Yellow and brown dominated their vision. In front of them, behind them, to either side, above them and even in the craters below them, everything else was blocked out entirely by hundreds, possibly even thousands of clones.

Thousands of clones who were all holding flaring purple lanterns. Thousands of clones who were all pulling out identical butcher knives. Thousands of clones who were all staring right at Orochimaru of The Sannin.

The traitor looked back to Anko. "Anko..dear... I realize in the past we've had our differences... some of us were deceived, tortured, abandoned and left for dead... But I'm sure that if you looked deep into your heart, you'd find it in you to forgive me, and find me a way out of this befo-OHMYGODNO!"

And as Mitarashi Anko watched in rapt awe of the systematic dismemberment of her former sensei, only two thoughts came to mind.

1. She was going to adopt this demonic little orphan. And 2. The next time she witnessed someone get eviscerated beyond all recognition, she'd have to be sure to tell everyone 'Damn, that guy just got Orochimaru'ed'.

xxx

Elsewhere...

Odoshi Yozuma ran blindly through the forest, looking for the exit, or the safe haven in the center, or a large hole that he could climb into and stay for the next week and a half, anything to get away from this horrible place.

Giant leeches, giant snakes, even gianter explosions, his two teammates just _had_ to jump into that lake to wash all the slime off...

Needless to say, he wasn't going to be advancing to the next round, especially since the Heaven Scroll they were carrying was now at the bottom of aforementioned lake, and in that lake it was bound to remain for a very long time. So the only option he had left was to get out before getting out was stopped being an option.

Then someone appeared in the clearing in front of him.

"AAAHH-oh, oh it's just you!" Ushio exclaimed, clutching his hand over his pounding heart. "God, for a second there I thought you were those other three. Oh wow, I thought I was about to die horribly, hahaha!"

Sabaku no Gaara said nothing, simply uncorked his gourd and watched his sand cocoon and then crush the stupid boy into chunky paste.

Standing outside of the splash zone, Kankuro sighed. "Well, looks like he's finally back to normal."

Temari nodded. What a shame; she was really starting to like the newer, much more docile, much less homicidal version of her littlest brother.

Gaara laughed triumphantly. Finally, after a full week of silence mixed with various whimpers, whines and other sounds of pain and fright, Shukaku was pulling himself back together enough that Gaara no longer had to rely solely on his own chakra to move his sand. If he were being honest, it was rather nice having the insane beast out of commission for a while; he'd slept better in the last eight days than he had in his entire life, and not being bombarded by endless screams to kill the nearest living thing to him was a pleasant change as well. But at the same time, he'd felt somehow... incomplete without it. After all, Shukaku was practically family to him. Psychotic, blood-lusting family who presented the constant possibility of devouring his soul any time he let his guard down, but family nonetheless.

Much more importantly, and this was something that he and Shukaku could both agree on: Now they could find the boy who had done this to them, and they could show him the true meaning of pain and terror! They could wipe that empty expression off of his face, and replace it with one of hopelessness and despair! They could-

"Doink!"

Shukaku shrieked, and the floating sand dropped lifelessly to the ground.

Shocked beyond reason, Gaara turned his head just slightly to the left, where Uzumaki Naruto stood, staring at him. Before he could gather the brain-power to react, the boy vanished in a puff of smoke. The redhead jinchuriki stared at the empty spot, then to his unmoving sand and back again. Not knowing what else to do, he sunk to the ground for another round of laugh-crying.

"I don't know if I should kiss that boy, or cave his skull in," Temari admitted.

"I say do whichever is less likely to make him come after us," Kankuro stated wisely.

xxx

And elsewhere still, Yakushi Kabuto ran like he had never run before, a pack of worthless card tossed away in his wake so as not to weigh him down any further.

xxx

xxx

I think I understand now why so many people prefer writing overpowered, curb-stomp battles instead of trying to write actual fight scenes.

It's because trying to write actual fight scenes is _**hard**_!

I think I'll go back to the curb-stomping from here on out. That sound good?

And in case you're not aware: Sasuke's little freak-out during the fight was Iori's Riot of the Blood. Like the Curse Seal, it makes him faster and stronger, but makes him go berserk and causes him pain at the same time.

Next Time: ...Well, I'm sure you've picked up on the pattern by now.

LL


	11. A bad day for, well

He was almost there. He'd managed to escape the Forest without any problems, but he was still within the village, which meant he was still in danger. He wasn't sure why he knew that; the three monsters were still back in the forest, and they had no idea who he even was. Hell, even the people who did know him didn't know who he really was. Honestly, he could probably draw less attention to himself if he simply walked casually out the village gates as opposed to all of the sneaking and shifting through shadows like he was. There really shouldn't be any reason for him to be so paranoid.

That didn't stop Kabuto from being really, really paranoid, though.

But who could blame him? He'd just witnessed his master and, in his opinion, one of the most dangerous ninja on the planet, get slaughtered by a trio of children. A trio of horrible, vicious, inhuman children.

In hindsight, he realized he probably should have tried to collect some of Orochimaru's remains. Maybe he could have figured out some way of resurrecting him, a thought which made him frown.

_"Perhaps you should teach me how to perform Edo Tensei as well, Orochimaru-sama."_

_"Don't be silly, Kabuto. What need could you have for Edo Tensei? The only person you would ever need to use it on is me, and I think we both know that I won't be getting killed any time soon."_

Once again: Hindsight.

Not that it mattered. Trying to gather any of his master's remains would have meant exposing himself to those three; and as much as he might want Orochimaru back, he wasn't going to be any help to anyone if he were brutally eviscerated right alongside him.

That didn't mean that he couldn't get revenge, however. Or rather, someone else could get revenge for him, since he had absolutely no intention of ever returning to this place in the future. He still had plenty of contacts that might be willing to help him out in a situation like this. All he had to do was get himself out of this accursed village without being noticed and-

"Going somewhere?"

Oh Goddamnit!

Turning around, he found himself staring not at the three nightmares from the forest, but rather their sensei, Hatake Kakashi.

"Shouldn't you be taking your exams right now, Yakushi-san?" the masked man calmly asked.

Kabuto didn't respond. He knew that he probably looked a bit suspicious; a 'genin' like him wandering out of the village by himself when he was supposed to be elsewhere. But at the same time, he'd always done a perfect job of covering his own tracks, and no one would have any reason to believe that he was secretly working for Orochimaru and Otogakure.

"Ah, but... I suppose if it were me, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that forest either," Kakashi continued. "What with all the explosions and the giant snakes and the... butchering of one of the Sannin by those three adorable little killing machines of mine."

Again, Kabuto said nothing. He was starting to get a bad feeling...

"Adorable as they might be," he went on again, almost oblivious to the fact that he was even talking to someone other than himself. "They do make for so much extra work for me. They go and kill one of the most notorious missing nin in Konoha's history, and yet they don't even seem to care that it leaves me with the duty of... tying up any loose ends that they might have missed."

Kabuto bolted. He had no idea how he could have been found out like this, but he wasn't about to stick around and ask questions. All that mattered now was escaping, and he felt confident that if he could just make it to the trees-

A kunai burst through his chest.

And if the shock alone hadn't been enough to stop him in his tracks, the long black rope it was attached to and the tiny, retractable barbs on the kunai's handle that were now dug securely into his flesh certainly were.

"Get over here!"

The undercover agent barely had time to acknowledge his own lifeblood gushing from his body before he felt himself being roughly yanked back in the direction of his attacker. He came to a stop half-seated, half-lying on the ground at the feet of the Copy Ninja, who was staring at him through eyes that he now realized contained no pupils or irises.

As Kabuto's horrified and pain-ridden mind worked furiously to figure out a way to escape this predicament, Kakashi slowly raised the hand that wasn't still gripping the rope up to his face. In one swift motion, he lifted the mask and headband away.

Kabuto shrieked.

A bleach-white skull stared down at him, fire raging within its empty sockets, its jaw slightly open in a twisted mockery of a grin.

As much as Kabuto wanted to rip the barbed kunai from his chest with no regard to his own organs and run as fast as he could back to Oto so he could hide under his bed and never come back out again, his body was frozen on the spot, mesmerized by the hellish being towering over him; which was a shame because the skull chose that same moment to open its mouth wide and spit a gout of flame that immediately engulfed his entire body and just as quickly began burning him down to the bone and Kabuto screamed and screamed and screamed and he screamed so loud that it woke Kakashi up and there was still screaming still so much screaming dear sweet mother of all who was screaming!?

...Oh wait, it was him.

Scrambling out of bed, Kakashi ran (still screaming) to the bathroom, where he ripped his face-coverings away and ran his hands across his head while staring into the mirror. Skin: Check. Hair: Check. Nose: Check. Eyes (he poked them with his fingers; it hurt, but at least they didn't fall out to reveal fire-filled sockets): Check.

Once he concluded that everything was where it was supposed to be, his screaming died down and he collapsed into a miserable, quivering heap on the floor.

"I will _not_ become what I hate. I will _not_ become what I hate."

He continued his new mantra over and over as he tried to collect himself. This wasn't the first nightmare he'd had about his little monsters by a long shot; it was just that in the past all of those nightmares had been about him getting murdered by them. But ever since two days ago, when word had spread that the kids had gone so far as to take out Orochimaru himself, the dreams had changed. Now instead of just being killed, he found himself becoming one of them...

Being killed was much, much easier to deal with.

Finally gaining a semblance of control over himself, Kakashi picked himself up and began splashing cold water onto his face. Fortunately, the dream was already starting to fade into his subconscious, he couldn't even remember who the other person in it had been.

What he did know, was that he was going to have to head out for the forest base soon. The five days were up, and since he held no further delusions that his students might have perished in the forest, he knew they would be waiting for him.

Kakashi took one last look at his reflection, and for just a split second, he thought he saw a fiery skull grinning back at him.

"I need to get those creatures out of my life before they make me as insane as they are. But that's okay, because they're going to pass these exams, even if I have to murder everyone in charge and pass them myself."

xxx

Meanwhile, about three days running distance away from Konoha (quite impressive, in that he'd only left two days ago), Kabuto had the distinct feeling that someone was dancing on his grave.

xxx

The rest of the trip through the forest was relatively uneventful for Team Seven. After Anko and the other jounin left to make their reports, Naruto managed to poke Sasuke back to consciousness, who in turn dug Sakura out of the earth. The two members who actually required it spent the next twelve hours sleeping off their injuries while Naruto just sat unmoving beside them. Hell, he might have been asleep, too; it was kind of hard to tell. After that, they proceeded completely unhindered to the Forest Base with time to spare.

Of course, the reason why they faced no hinderances probably had to do with the army of Naruto clones combing the forest and systematically dismantling anyone that they came across before dispersing themselves.

So it wasn't with too much surprise that the only other teams to reach the base by the fifth day were the Suna siblings, Kabuto's two teammates, Team Gai, and-

"Ino-chaaa~n!"

The young blonde felt her sanity slip just a little bit further as she was suddenly tackle hugged from behind by the pink-haired abomination that called itself her friend. Shikamaru and Choji moved to hide behind Asuma, but were unable to since Asuma was already hiding behind them.

"I'm soooo glad you made it here," she squealed, vigorously rubbing her cheek against Ino's.

"H-heh, me too, S-s-sakura-ch-chan," she stammered pitifully, trying subtly and unsuccessfully to escape from the hug. "I uh, I was s-starting to hope- **I mean worry! Not hope! Never hope!** I was starting to **worry** that you weren't going to make it!"

Sakura smiled reassuringly. "Oh, we just hit a little snag about halfway here. Some ugly jerk crushed me with boulders and then buried me alive. But I'm better now!"

Ino gave an unnerving giggle. "Of... of course you are. Why wouldn't you be?"

"Well, at least we're all here and ready for the next rounds now." She paused, placing a finger to the side of her mouth in thought. "It's too bad Team 8 decided not to enter, then we'd have the whole gang."

xxx

"Have I ever mentioned that we have the best sensei in the world?" Inuzuka Kiba asked.

"Yes Kiba, and I've wholeheartedly agreed with you each time," Aburame Shino responded, sunlight reflecting off his dark glasses.

The two boys, along with their female teammate Hyuga Hinata, were laid out in a grassy field, just enjoying the bright sunny day. No worries about Chunin Exams, fighting for survival or dying painful, premature deaths. Akamaru rested peacefully on his master's chest, receiving the occasional scratch behind the ear as Kiba found shapes in the clouds. Shino's index finger was extended above him, where a bright purple butterfly perched. And Hinata hummed softly to herself, letting the grass tickle her bare feet.

Yes, it was a great day for Team 8.

"How many people do you suppose Naruto-kun has stabbed so far?"

An awkward breeze blew through, chasing the butterfly away and ruffling Akamaru's fur. The two boys slowly turned their heads to stare at their other teammate.

A small smile appeared on the young heiress's face. "I'll bet he's already stabbed at least twenty."

Well, all in all... still a pretty good day for Team 8.

xxx

"Yyyyyeah, about that," Ino started, summoning up all the willpower she had for this next bit. "We... won't actually be going on to the next round." All the willpower immediately fled when she felt Sakura's arm tighten around her.

"You what?"

The males of Team 10 took several steps back.

"W-w-w-we-"

"You _have_ to go on to the next round!" Sakura insisted, pulling the blonde back to look her in the eyes. "We promised that we would become chunin together! We said we would do _**everything**_ together!" She was shaking the poor girl by this point. "That's what best friends do! How can we be best friends if we don't do things together?!"

_I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna-_

"Wait, wait, wait! It's- it's not that we don't want to keep going!" Choji cried, having suddenly, and some might say 'stupidly', grown a backbone. "It's just that we lost our scrolls and the rules say you need both scrolls or you don't advance and since we don't have both scrolls that means we can't advance!"

Of course, by 'lost' he actually meant that he had personally chucked their scroll as hard as he possibly could in a random direction the moment they were out of sight from everyone else and then collectively hauled ass for the safe-house, not stopping for anyone or anything until they arrived.

Obviously, they had tried their best; Sakura certainly couldn't blame them for that.

"Oh, is that all?" Sakura asked.

It wasn't like they'd just given up or anything. Accidents happen. And besides... wait-

The pinkette reached into her basket, pulled out two scrolls, and dropped them into the blonde's lap. "Here you go."

Ino stared at the Heaven and Earth scrolls the same way she would stare at two cobras if they were currently on her lap. She looked up at Sakura, then back down at the scrolls, and back up again. "Wha?"

"Yeah, we found like, a dozen of them just lying on the ground on our way here," Sakura explained with a shrug. "Don't know how so many people could have just lost them like that; but hey, now you can stay in the Exams with me!"

"No! I-I-I mean, you can't just hand me the scrolls, can you? That's got to be against the rules, right?" She turned to Asuma. "RIGHT?"

Sakura shook her head. "The rules say that you have to be at the safe house with both scrolls by the fifth day. It's the fifth day, you're in the safe house, and now you have the scrolls."

"I can't argue with that," Asuma chimed in, pointedly ignoring the looks of betrayal on his student's faces. Technically, he could have argued plenty with it; he just wasn't going to. Let someone else spend a week of sleeping with the lights on if they had a problem with it.

Shockingly, nobody else did, apparently.

"See Ino-chan? Now you can stay in the exams with me!" Sakura happily informed her.

Ino twitched hard enough that it could have been a full-on convulsion, but forced a very, very fake smile onto her face just the same. "That's... that's great, Sakura-chan..." She turned back to her teammates. "Isn't that great, guys? Now we can stay in the exams. With Sakura-chan."

Choji fell to his knees, sobbing. Shikamaru pulled out a kunai, aimed it for his heart, and unfortunately was made to keep on living as Asuma wrestled it away from him.

xxx

While Sakura was busy bringing more (probably) unintentional trauma to Team Ten, a member of another team was cautiously approaching Naruto.

"Um, excuse me?"

Naruto slowly turned to see who was addressing him.

Tenten smiled awkwardly. "Hey, so uh... I know we're kind of in the middle of something here and this probably isn't the best time, but I was just curious..."

Naruto stared. He didn't really know the girl, though the headband said that she was Konohan like him. Didn't really matter anyway; The Flame wasn't angry, which meant she'd never killed, which also meant she didn't need punished and, therefore, was no concern of his.

She was still talking to him, though.

"It's just... I was wondering if I could maybe... see your knife?"

Naruto continued to stare. Tenten's nerves increased.

"The... the thing is, I'm kind of a weapons connoisseur myself, and after seeing you effortlessly slice through that Sound ninja's skull like it was water, I just thought maybe... you know?"

Naruto stared harder. Tenten felt sweat on her brow.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're kind of creepy?" she asked.

Naruto stared a moment longer before reaching into his sleeve and pulling out his knife. With painful slowness, he presented it to the girl, handle-first. With equal slowness, Tenten reached out to take it.

She nearly jerked her hand back the instant it came into contact with the weapon. Despite the handle being made of wood, it was still freezing cold to the touch and sent a chill through her body. She briefly wondered if it was the work of some seal on the weapon, or maybe if it was cursed, but curiosity won out over personal safety and she lifted the blade from its master's hand.

Tenten started trembling for a whole new reason: the opportunity to examine the craftsmanship of what had to be one of the most finely forged blades she'd ever...

She frowned, and turned her attention back to Naruto. "Is this some kind of joke?"

Naruto, of course, had no noticeable response.

"This can't possibly be the same knife as before," she accused, holding said knife up to avoid potential confusion.

"He only carries one," Sasuke offered, which startled Tenten again, as the boy's crouched posture and hair-hidden face had suggested he'd been asleep since the conversation started.

She looked back to Naruto for confirmation, which she didn't get. "But, that doesn't..." She shifted her gaze back to the knife in her hand, raising it to her face for closer inspection.

On top of being very rusty and poorly maintained, it looked almost as sharp as a butter knife. She was pretty sure that if she tried to throw it at a block of wood, it would bounce off. In fact, a block of wood would probably make a more intimidating weapon than this. Further inspection also proved herself wrong about any seals placed on it. It was just an old knife. But she had clearly seen him pierce that boy's brain with the weakest of thrusts, and if it wasn't the weapon itself that did it, that meant...

Her gaze returned once again to the boy in the druid robes, and an even more intense chill ran through her.

That meant that it was him. He was somehow able to turn this dull piece of metal into a lethal weapon. But how? Even she, with all her weapons knowledge, couldn't fight as effectively with a sub-par blade, and here he was walking around with a knife that might as well have been made of plastic and still...

She handed the knife back to him, shivering again at the sudden coldness when his hand brushed hers, and weakly returned to her teammates.

"Who was that?" Sakura asked as she rejoined the two boys.

Sasuke shrugged. "Some weird girl."

"What's her pain-to-pleasure threshold?"

"Forgot to ask. Body's still a little tingly from snake-guy's lightning, mind's a bit fuzzy, could probably use another nap..."

Talking ended as Kakashi chose that moment to make his own appearance in a puff of smoke.

"Sorry I'm late," he announced. "Have I missed anything?"

Everyone continued to stare at him in silence.

"What?"

"K-Kakashi-kun," Gai stammered. "Your... your face-"

Kakashi's hands flew to his face. "My face! What about my face? WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FACE?"

Gai held his own hands up placatingly. "I- nothing, it's just... you're not wearing your mask."

The no-longer masked man's body sagged in relief. "Well of course I'm not wearing my mask, Gai. If I wore a mask, I wouldn't be able to tell what was underneath it."

Gai, and everyone else, wasn't really sure how to respond to that.

"So are we starting this thing now?" Kakashi casually asked.

"Indeed we are."

Everyone turned again to find the Hokage standing among them.

"Hm, more of you here than I expected," The old man commented, examining the small crowd. "Well, I can't just make all of you chunin, so I guess to see who deserves it most I'll just have you fight each other."

"Oh God, no," Team Ten whimpered together.

Sarutobi nodded. "Yes, that'll work. Seven randomly chosen battles with the winners going on to the finals. Hayate, make the preparations."

A short interlude later, the preparations were made.

"All right," the sickly Hayate announced. "The box on the -cough- ceiling will randomly select two people per round. Rules -hack cough- are simple: No holds barred, matches end on surrender or knockout, try not to kill anyone-"

Sakura pulled out a gun.

"-but if you absolutely have to kill someone, just try not to get blood everywhere. This place doesn't have a janitor and sometimes we use it to play basketball."

Sakura put the gun away.

"So, without further delay, let's start -cough- the first match."

Everyone turned their attention up to the name generator, where all the participant's names and faces were already cycling across the screen, finally coming to land on-

The collective group gasped.

Kakashi's heart nearly stopped.

"Um -cough hack cough-, Uchiha Sasuke versus Uzumak-"

A small bolt of electricity hit the screen, causing it to flicker for a moment before changing the second name and picture.

"...Er," Hayate looked up to the Hokage, who merely shrugged. "Okay then, Uchiha Sasuke versus Yoroi, I guess."

"Freakin' lame," Sasuke mumbled as he shambled down the stairway to the fighting area. Everyone genin who wasn't on Team 7 or named Yoroi sighed in relief.

Gai gave Kakashi a reproachful look. "Kakashi-kun, that wasn't-"

"They. Will. ALL. Pass," the unmasked man hissed sharply, leaving Gai at a loss for words a second time.

Down on the floor, Yoroi was doing his best to work up a strategy. Getting matched against one of the freaks was bad, but at least he'd gotten the weakest of the bunch. Sure, he had that crazy blue fire and a Sharingan, but at least he wasn't damn near immortal like the blonde or carrying an entire armory around like the girl.

Still, fighting him would be difficult; his best weapon was his chakra draining technique, and in order for that to work he would have to touch him. But staying in close would be fatal... a hit-and-run tactic would be his best bet for victory. The only real question was which of them was faster?

"Sasuke versus Yoroi: Begin!" Hayate commanded.

Hoping to take the initiative, Yoroi immediately Shunshin'ed into action, charging toward his foe, grazing a hand across his shoulder, and continuing on past him. Stopping, he turned back to see Sasuke still standing in the same spot, slowly turning to face him again.

Emboldened by his success, Yoroi repeated the process three more times with no resistance or retaliation from Sasuke. Yoroi actually smirked, he could already feel his body tingling from the chakra he'd absorbed.

"Well, maybe you're not as bad as everyone claims you are, Uchiha," he gloated. "Here I'd heard all kinds of rumors about you and your teammates somehow killing Orochimaru himself, but now I have to wonder just how much you actually had to do with that. I mean, if you can't even manage to keep up with me, there's no way you-"

"Why are you still talking?" Sasuke interrupted, sounding bored and causing Yoroi to sneer.

"Oh? In a hurry for me to finish you off? And I thought you were the one who always enjoyed throwing out creative death threats during your fights."

Sasuke shrugged. "What I actually meant was that I tore out your liver the first time you ran past me, and I'm a little shocked that you're still alive much less able to run your mouth so much."

"...My... my liver?"

Sasuke held up the bloody organ in question. "I think this is a liver, anyway. Pancreas maybe? I don't know, I'm not that good with anatomy. Pretty sure it's vital, whatever it is. In any case, you wanna finish bleeding out so I can go take a nap?"

Yoroi stared down at the how-the-Hell-did-I-not-notice-that sized hole in his torso, and then did as he was asked and promptly fell over dead.

The whole exchange took thirty-seven seconds.

"Well, that certainly happened. Winner: Sasuke," Hayate announced.

"Wow," Kakashi said, his calm voice belying the violence he'd just witnessed. "That was surprisingly less gruesome than I was expecting."

Sasuke must have heard him, because he lit the organ still in his hand on fire, burning it to a crisp, then bit a chunk off and tossed the remainder away.

"Oh now you're just being an asshole," Kakashi sighed in tired acceptance.

"That wasn't considered gruesome?" Gai asked his unmasked friend.

Kakashi laughed humorlessly. "Compared to what I'm still expecting from the other two?"

Sakura grinned. Naruto stared. Gai sweatdropped.

Gaara, who had been lost in his own little world (again) for the last two days since having his connection cut off from Shukaku by Naruto (again), turned to his sensei.

"Baki, can we go home now?"

And Baki sweatdropped, too.

xxx

xxx

Please Read

Gonna be completely honest with you guys here: the Naruto fandom lost my interest a long time ago. I haven't read the manga/watched the anime in over two years now, and I haven't read a new fanfic in more than one year. Writing for the series is getting harder and harder for me (as you no doubt could probably tell from the six months since my last update), and the only reason I haven't dropped this fic and moved on already is because I'm still having some fun with it, and it's very near to being completed.

So, I'm going to do my best to finish up this story, but after that, I can't guarantee anything for my older Naruto fics (Hiraishin, PoS). I'm really not feeling anything for either of them anymore (and rereading through PoS makes me cringe, to be honest), but I'll let you all know about my final decision later.

For now, hope you enjoyed this long overdue chapter and, as always, more will be up when it's written.

Til then.

LL


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